If I Never Met You

by Mhairi McFarlane

‘I love you. I don’t love our relationship anymore.’

‘I’m in a five-star hotel room. What am I meant to do with this enormous erection in front of me?’ Laurie blinked at this message for a full minute and replied: ‘Ask him politely to leave?’

this one made me straight snort

They bumped down one floor in silence, until a loud mechanical screeching startled Laurie. Jamie Carter frowned. After a brief silence, it happened again. Crrrrrrbmmmmpfff, a metal-on-metal squealing noise that made them physically grit their teeth. The lift shuddered to a halt, with the lurching sensation of a drunk tripping over. There were a few unpromising glitching noises of clicking and whirring, as if the lift was discussing what had happened with itself. Then, nothing.

haven't seen this cliche for a while

Jamie yanked his coat sleeve up, checked the time again – although in the last minute, Laurie was guessing it had only moved forward by a minute

You’re as much fun as falling into a barrel of tits,

We’d make Sleepless in Seattle look like a Ken Loach film.’

‘Do a tactical barf, darling, then have a Smint.

In that second, she wondered if she loved him.

‘I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be together. Somewhere along the line this stopped being a pretence for me.’

I may have cried

‘I get why you want guarantees,’ Jamie said. ‘I can only make you a promise.’ ‘Which is?’ ‘Whatever happens next … you’re my soulmate.’

sobbing