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November 3 - November 3, 2024
“You’re aware, I assume, that I’m in possession of an extremely short temper and a large collection of guns? Several of which are within reach?”
“Let’s just say I have a healthy respect for your ability to make people dead. Now let me go.” “So you can break into another unsuspecting victim’s business and steal infant care products?” “So I can jab my thumbs into your eyeballs.”
“God, you’re sexy when you’re threatening me. I like it even more than when you’re stealing things I own.”
“You’re beautiful, by the way. I know you think I’m cocky and overbearing, but it’s only because I’m relentless when it comes to getting what I want.”
“I was only joking then. I’m sure what you really eat for breakfast are the souls of everyone who’s displeased you.”
“For the record, I’d burn down this whole goddamn city just to hear you admit it.”
“It is a bit monotone, isn’t it?” “Oh, no, it’s fantastic,” I say, looking around. “If you’re blind. Or clinically depressed. Or undead.”
I let my gaze wander around the overturned furniture, the artwork hanging askew on the walls, the bed stripped of sheets. A nightstand has been dragged underneath an air vent on the ceiling on one side of the room. The window coverings lie in a crumpled pile on the floor. I fold my arms over my chest, lean my shoulder against the wall, and say mildly, “I see you’ve been redecorating.”
“Aye. I won’t be long. Make yourself comfortable while I’m gone.” I smile sweetly at him. “Oh, sure, I’ll just be here rifling through your drawers for evidence I can provide to the authorities.”
“Hullo, lass. Having fun?” I look up at the ceiling, wondering where the camera is. “Actually, I am. I’m planning on starting a small kitchen fire next.”
“Whenever you’re ready for that kiss, little thief, I’ll be waiting.”
“Don’t you have an evil empire you should be out running?” “Aye.” He adds softly, “This is more important.”
“It’s not inexplicable. I like you the way Newton liked gravity.” “I don’t know what you mean.” “Once he found it, everything else in the universe made sense.”
“Do you think it’s possible you’re having a midlife crisis?”
I can’t decide if I’m flattered or if I should call the police.
I close my eyes again, wishing I were a hermit who lived alone on a tropical island and my only friends were a parrot and a tree snail.
“Who the hell am I talking to? You sound like an actual human being!” “I know. It’s awful. Help.”
“In the Italian mafia, you can’t be a made man unless you’re full-blooded Italian.” “I guess it’s a good thing I’m not aspiring to the Italian mafia, then.”
If I hadn’t gotten a vasectomy in my twenties, watching her raise those future criminals would’ve definitely sent me running to the doctor.”
“May I ask a personal question?” “Sure.” “Have you considered professional therapy?”
“I’ve been in jail before. It’s surprisingly relaxing. You get a lot of good thinking done.”
“How can you seem like the perfect guy—except you’re a gangster? What the hell does it all mean?” After a moment, he says, “Well, nobody’s perfect.”
“I guess you need a Romeo, then.” Or a Taser.
“I will stab you in the heart with a cocktail fork.”
“If it meant I could have you for good, I’d light my whole life on fire and walk away from the ashes.”
“Y-you can’t—you can’t be okay with…with…” “What? You carrying my child?” “Yes!” I kiss her again. “The only problem I can foresee is what will happen to your temper with pregnancy hormones. It could get ugly. I’ll have to take out extra life insurance. Hire a few more bodyguards.”
I realize that my entire life leading up to this moment has been prologue. I’ve been waiting for the first act to begin. I had to find her before I could really start living.
“I know. But if Russia and the United States can make it through the cold war, you and I should be able to work something out.”

