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“Not worthy? Why on earth would that be?” Because I am living a lie. Because my marriage is a sham. Because every time I speak to James and pretend I do not love him, I am lying to his face.
Very quickly, he said, “I know what it is to be in pain, and not to be able to seek comfort from the one you love the most, nor to be able to share that pain with anyone you know.”
Because when we are in pain, we are flayed open, and when we are flayed open, we cannot hide our true selves. And you cannot bear for him to know that you love him.”
“I have known unrequited love myself, in the past.” “Is that why you are so very sad?” Cordelia said. Matthew was silent. “I did not know,” he said, after a moment, “that I seemed sad, to you.”
He smiled crookedly. “I would do anything for you, of course, my lady.”
He knew he had to stop staring at Thomas, but he wasn’t quite sure how to manage it, and in a moment, it didn’t matter anyway. Without another word, Thomas turned on his heel and strode quickly away.
“I feel lucky to see you like this,” he said, his voice low. “With your hair loose. As if I were your husband.”
His smile was long and lazy. “I am yours to command.”
They were falling together. If she held on tight enough, she could bring him back, she thought, like Janet had done for Tam Lin in the old story.
“Death is a jealous mistress,” Lucie whispered. “She fights to keep you.” “I am not hers,” he said. “I am yours for as long as I can be.”
“I do not know who you were kissing just now, James Herondale,” she said. “But it certainly wasn’t me.”
“And now a darkness walks among Shadowhunters, striking at will. This death will only spread. If it falls upon your shoulders to stop the killings, Cordelia Herondale, can you bear it?”
“But Cortana is free, and burns for battle. Will you take up your blade? For I believe you have within you the soul of a great warrior, Cordelia Herondale. It but demands an oath of fealty to be truly free.”
“I swear my loyalty,” Cordelia said fervently. His blood continued to run down the blade, but as soon as the drops struck the hilt, they became sparks that lifted, gold and copper and bronze, into the air. “I swear my courage. I swear neither to falter nor to fail in battle. Whenever I draw my sword, whenever I lift up a weapon in battle, I shall do it in your name.”
He had disappeared into the night as if he were part of it. And maybe he was, she thought. It was almost a comfort to imagine Jesse as a part of the stars and shadows, always around her, ever-present even if he could not be seen.
Lucie knew that Grace had suffered, that Tatiana had likely made her childhood nearly unbearable. But had she entirely forgotten what people were like? Had she never known? “I shall never understand my brother,” Lucie said, without thinking. “Why on earth does he love you?”
“I let you down. As a friend. As a husband. I didn’t want to compound that by keeping secrets from you.”
But his mind was consumed with the thought of this man, some man she would marry in future, who would kiss her and expect things from her— James hated him already. He felt dizzy with it—with rage toward someone he did not know, and with how near she was to him.
“Get on top of me,” he said, his voice barely recognizable to his own ears.
“Tell me again what you want me to do,” he said. The smooth column of her throat moved as she swallowed. “Show me how to kiss,” she said. “Properly.”
but if she kept moving like that—
She was his wife, and she was adorable, incredibly desirable. He had never wanted anyone like this. Half out of his mind, he moved his lips across her jaw, down to her throat. He could feel the beat of her pulse, inhale the scent of her hair, jasmine and rose water. He kissed his way down, teeth grazing her collarbone; his lips grazed the hollow of her throat—
Because you know it would be the end of you, whispered a small voice in the back of her mind. Because if you fell even a little more in love with him, the fall would break you.
“Because I was following him,” Alastair said, raking the Inquisitor with a disdainful gaze. “I’ve been following Thomas for days. I knew he was going out on these insane night patrols by himself, and I wanted to make sure that he was safe. Cordelia is fond of him.”
Alastair kissed Cordelia’s forehead. As he did, he closed his eyes, and James felt the strange sense that he was getting a rare glimpse at the intensity of Alastair’s true feelings. “She’ll just be glad to think I have a friend, I suspect.”
She deserves better than to be seen as an anchor around your neck.”
But there should be some joy. There is joy in being with someone you love, even knowing you can never have them, even knowing they will never love you back.” He sucked in a ragged breath of cold air.
Look at me and tell me there is someone you love more than that bottle in your hand.”
But if you don’t love Cordelia, you should let someone else love her.”
For these past months, I have been able to see the moonlight reflected on the river, feel the wind and rain against my skin. I remember what it is to be hot or cold. To want things. To need things.”
as nothing else has been real to me since I died—except for you.”
He inclined his head toward her. “Command me to kiss you,” he whispered urgently. “Tell me to do it. Please.” She looked up at him, her hands clasped, shivering. “Kiss me.”
She whimpered low in her throat, her hands on his shoulders, steadying herself. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.
“If I must fade,” he said, “I would like to fade remembering this as my last waking dream.” “Don’t go,” she whispered. “Hold on, for me. We are so close.” He touched her cheek. “Only promise me one thing,” he said. “If I do go, give us a happy ending, will you? In your book?” “I don’t believe in endings,” she said, but he only smiled at her, and faded slowly from view.
(Machiavelli’s The Prince, which he must have produced from a coat pocket—did he carry it around everywhere with him?),
me w my kindle
“And how did that turn out for you?” Thomas said in a hard voice. Alastair looked at him matter-of-factly. “Well, one of us has a close-knit group of friends, and the other one has no friends at all. So you tell me.”
Hate me on your own behalf, Thomas.” “No,” Thomas said.
“The reason I cannot hate you is because—because of those days we spent in Paris together,” he said,
Alastair stared at him. Why had Alastair ever dyed his hair? The contrast of his dark eyes and hair with his brown skin was beautiful in the candlelight. “It is my favorite memory of Paris as well.”
Alastair might prefer to keep lying to himself, but Thomas would not. “I suppose I’m asking if you’re like me.”
“Paladin!” the Hauras demon wheezed. “Paladin! We dare not touch!” Cordelia stared. How could the demon know she was a paladin of Wayland the Smith? Had he marked her in some invisible way?
“Paladin.” The Hauras demon held out its gnarled hands toward Cordelia. Its voice had taken on a whining quality. “Forgive. Tell your master. We did not know.”
Her breath went out of her in a gasp as he caught her in a hard embrace. Despite the cold night, his shirt was damp with sweat. His arms around her were strong and solid; she could feel the swift hammering of his heart. He pressed his cheek against hers, chanting her name, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy.
“What it is like,” Matthew said slowly, “to be entirely undeserving of the person you love most in the world.”
Wasn’t James the person Matthew loved most? Why would he have suddenly decided he didn’t deserve James? “I don’t suppose you want to tell me about it.”
“James has fallen in love with someone,” she said. “In the past months. I don’t think he can fall in love with me if he is already in love.”
“You were always my secret,” said Thomas softly, and Alastair turned a startled gaze on him.
“Since after I came to school, I think,” Thomas said in a low voice. “I knew what caught my eye, quickened my pulse, and it was never a girl.” “And you never told anyone?” Thomas hesitated. “I could have told my friends that I liked men. They would have understood. But I couldn’t have told them how I felt about you.”
“Just another thing I’ve wasted. Your regard for me. I wasted my time and my affection on Charles. I wasted my chance with you.”
“I mean this,” said Thomas, and leaned in to kiss Alastair on the mouth.
