fast

by Millie Belizaire

time makes you forget the things that never mattered. However, when things are serious—traumatic, maybe—time has a way of painting unforgettable images into your memory. Trauma is like cement; time only makes it more solid.

Sometimes you can fool yourself into thinking you’re “over” something. Then you catch yourself saying things, doing things, avoiding things, realizing you never truly got over anything. You just set new boundaries so that the same thing couldn’t happen to you twice. Time doesn’t heal most wounds. If you’re lucky, time distracts you long enough so that you can forget.

In life, there are certain things that you just need. I needed food to eat. I needed air to breathe. I needed water to drink. And I needed Caprice.

“Butterscotch,”

“It’s you and me. Till we’re old as fuck.”

“First of all,”

“that’s not how love works. And second, even if that was how love worked, you would still deserve it. You would still deserve mine.”

How ever much he desired me, I knew he would never take anything I wasn’t willing to give. With him, I was safe.

“Shaun…”

“These are too expensive,”

“Shaun, you really shouldn’t have. This is too much. You can’t afford this. You don’t even have a job.”

“That’s a really offensive way to say thank you,” he commented, amused,...

“I just want to have one perfect day, Shaun. Just me and the person I love most. Please don’t think about who is spending what. Just be here with me. Just one perfect day. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. You and me. Disney World—The Happiest Place on Earth. I want to go to The Happiest Place on Earth. And I want you to come with me.”

“I love you so much that it makes me feel like I’ll die if I leave you. I’ve loved you since I was eight years old at that city court. Watching you play—against all those kids who were so much older than you, so much bigger than you. It made me feel like I could be that brave someday, too. It inspired me more than you know. You’re my best friend, so please don’t be mad at me for doing this. You’re always going to be my best friend. Please trust me when I tell you that I can’t go back there. Please don’t be mad at me. And please don’t say no to what I’m about to ask you for next.”

“So, if I was your girlfriend, would you keep choosing me?” Shaun kissed the sensitive skin behind my left ear, and then in it he whispered, “I will always choose you.”

“I love you. That won’t change. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe. I’m gonna get you away from those people. You are not gross or damaged or dirty, so get that shit out of your head, okay? I’m gonna take care of this.”

There’s a big difference between loving someone and having love for someone. When you love someone, you love them for who they are. When you have love for someone, you love what they can do for you.

You can never win against someone if you don’t ever want to see them lose.

“Protect me now by keeping Kahfi safe. You have to make him happy. You have to make sure he’s safe. If Kahfi is happy, then me and Marron don’t never need to come out. That’s the way.” Moreno looked at me like someone getting ready to say goodbye, tears still streaming down his little face. “Me and Marron were never supposed to be here in the first place.”

‘Cause I was waiting for you, Caprice. I was waiting for that call.”

To make matters worse, she didn’t even realize that this was a date.

That’s cute.

In a really, really annoying ...

I never wanna make you feel bad about anything. It’ll do me no good. ‘Cause when you feel bad…” A single tear rolled down his cheek. “…I feel bad with you.”

“You cry, I cry. It’s been like that since we were kids,”

“You hurt, I hurt. That’s how it’s always been. That’s how it’s always gonna be. So, you see… There’s really no reward in making you feel like shit about this.”

“Go ahead, Caprice,” he whispered softly against my lips. “Ask me to choose.”

Of course, I chose her. I would always choose Caprice.

“I chose you several weeks ago,”

“You can ask your ‘best friend’ all about it later.”

Age allowed me to understand that pain is unavoidable, and you’d live a very meaningless life trying to avoid it.