fast

by Millie Belizaire

As for what my “ways” were—one of them had me feeling the need to take five to six showers a day.

OCD made it so that I always had to fall asleep facing my bedroom door.

My disorder made me really good with numbers.

After mommy died,

Alabama

Orlando.

Here, everybody is poor and angry at somebody. Parramore is a little neighborhood right outside of Downtown Orlando.

My grandma looked like she was Ms. Walowitz’s age; too old to be my mama, but too young to be my mama’s mama.

Talk about triggering!

He sure as hell did! Bum!

Blinded her with gifts, attention, and fun.

Sick bastard!

Self awareness. 🙌🏾

Old enough to know rape is wrong.

A rapist, a bum, and a dealer. Of course!

“I’m okay right here.”

Masturbating over her, JAIL!

There were days when I would leave my dirty clothes for her to find, hoping she might see the dried-up lotion, but she never noticed.

She would pull me to the side and ask what I was crying for, and when I couldn’t tell her, she would get mad and promise that she’d give me something to cry about if I didn’t stop.

Poor girl was failed twice!

So, I just kept wearing the only long jeans that I had, over and over.

But I liked that she was there. Marcel wouldn’t come into the living room if she was here.

Also, I didn’t want to be alone with a man. He was big like Marcel, and I didn’t like how close he was standing to me.

Trust issues regarding men. Fear of being around them.

Some isn’t enough!

I think Marcel thought I told her what he was doing to me. I think he was scared, ‘cause he stopped for the rest of the summer.

That it was baby.

All it took was three baby wipes, and I felt clean enough. It wasn’t as good as a shower, but it would keep me calm until I got home.

Yep, out of all the kids, Ms. Kelly definitely liked me the most.

Black girl magic! ✨

lol. Dang Caprice!

Awww, she wants friends.

Bitch!

A win for Shaun was a win for all the little people up against bigger people in the world. When Shaun got a point, it made me feel like just because I was small, didn’t mean I couldn’t be powerful.

And that’s how I started my amazing first day of third grade. My teacher was nice. My clothes were new. I had a fresh pack of baby wipes in my backpack. And Shaun from the basketball court knew who I was.

Victim blaming.

LET.?!

Did she think I asked him to do it? Did she think I was bad?

I think Gracie was scared I was gonna tell somebody because she broke the quiet by saying, “You don’t have to go to school today.”

She didn’t take up for Marcel but she didn’t remove him either.

She said it like she was doing me a favor, but I heard what she was really saying.

THIS

What mattered was that he already had. There wasn’t no going back from that. It was burned into my brain now, and so no matter how much Gracie promised to keep me safe, all I could think about was how she couldn’t do it in the first place.

Appeased him when he has done harm.

Maybe he knew me better than the self I thought I knew. Maybe that was why he could say things about me that I didn’t know were true.

She’s only 8. An age where manipulation is easy to do.

Fire in her pants?! Nigga is SICK

🎯

HYFR

“I WANT YOU OUT! YOU HEAR ME? OUT!”

She was losing all that weight over the summer, wouldn’t eat nothing, coverin’ up like it was snowing outside. She stopped taking care of herself. And even when that stopped, she developed this habit of washing herself like she just couldn’t get clean enough. All that crying she was doing outta the blue.

Not one bit.

It was like even though Gracie was a good liar, he still wanted to make sure I was okay with his own eyes.