She's Too Pretty to Burn

by Wendy Heard

I hate it when she says things like this. How is my own private human body a waste?

I hate it. Mom, I hate it.”

“It doesn’t matter!

Just listen to your daughter !

Liz’s name lights up the screen along with the words You almost done? We’re all waiting for you. She knows I’m at dinner with my mom. What does she expect me to do? I imagine my mom’s anger if I took off. Do I care?

That was fine with me. I loved a challenge.

This just does not sit right w/ me

Obviously it didn’t last; I’m not an easy person to keep on a leash.

Such a basic sentence

“My favorite right now is Pulp Fiction.”

eyeroll

This did not feel like a straight-girl hug.

Instead, I pulled back. Her eyes followed me, her hands reaching like I was stealing something from her. And I did. I lifted the camera, and I took her picture. That was it. That was the beginning.

This just does not sit right w/ me

cooed a familiar voice. Nico.

. . . no . . .

She’s Asian, with high cheekbones and a wide, expressive mouth.

“This is what you look like. I wanted you to see. Even if it means you hate me now. You’re so beautiful. You don’t have to hide.” The words unravel me. I turn my face and kiss her.

Eye roll

don’t want her to do it. My whole body screams, NO. But then I remember Lily’s scornful Be careful with this one, like I’m a little girl who can’t keep up. So I say, “Fine. Go ahead. Post it. I don’t care.” Like I’m floating outside myself, I watch Veronica post the photo with the caption Just kissed.

I don't like Veronica

watch her hit Share, and I feel that first kiss being torn away from me and flung carelessly into the wide, public world.

I pulled out my camera and entertained myself sneaking pictures of Mick

Boundaries

“So they want you, a seventeen-year-old high school student with a fear of being photographed, to get almost naked with your mom in front of, like, a million people and then have the photos published in magazines and online.”

So you get it but choose to ignore it

“Come look at my darkroom.”

She is self centered

“I don’t know. Distract me. Maybe I could watch you develop some pictures?” “Good idea.”

Ugh

She steps back and lifts the camera. Click click. It’s uncomfortable, I hate it, but then she kisses me again, harder this time, and slips the other strap off my shoulder. She’s undressing me and photographing

No! She knows you don't like this! RUN!!!!

I meet Veronica’s eyes. I feel dirty, like our first kiss has been cheapened by the gaze of thousands.

I never liked her!

The only reason I was that real and raw was because Veronica lied to me and said there was no film in her camera. She knew what she was doing. She knew.

Exactly !

I was an asshole. I was not a god of sex, not a badass photographer extraordinaire. I was just a dick with a camera who did the same thing to girls that guys have been doing through the ages: pressure, push, pull what I wanted out.

“I want to be uncomfortable,” and then she pulled my face toward hers and kissed me.

No - Stop

I feel like I’m clinging to the edge of a cliff, barely hanging on.

and I was late or absent every day last week. Coach might actually kill me.

Throwing away all your hard work

Something is wrong with my being here, like I’m trying to be Lily’s replacement.

“Swimming?” I nod. “You do a lot of dry land workouts during practice?”

How could he just guess

One more day. We have that appointment with the guy about the car tomorrow. I have to do this one install, pretend I think this is all amazing, and then I’ll get my car and insurance, and I’ll be free.

Nico drops me off at the pool at eight, an entire hour late. Coach is going to kill me.

My chest is too tight. My ribs are made of steel. I’m dizzy. The floor is rolling beneath me, an earthquake.

illegal U-turn

Why add in that it's illegal?

“Well, get back home. The police are here.” My heart exploded, a horse galloping in my chest. “What do they want? It’s, like, eleven o’clock at night.” “Just get your ass home, girl.”

The layers of lies and secrets were piling up fast now, like dirt being shoveled into a grave.

In a strange way, the fear is pulling at me.

This is what he does. He paints you into a picture. He turns you into a puppet.

Please don’t be Mick. So was I wishing for it to be David?

“I feel like I don’t even know you,” she said.

I never knew him. Not at all.

Nico was in that picture too. Without his mask on.

“You’re a living, breathing piece of art,”

Above, on the edge of the cliff, a slender silhouette. He’s watching me die. More birds. So loud. So many. Pain.

I never thought much about birds, but now I think—I’d love to be one. Imagine the freedom of movement. They’re living in three dimensions while the rest of us are pinned flat to the earth.

She’s alive. We’re both alive.

“He could get us at school. Whenever we’re alone. He’s so smart. You don’t understand—” “They’re not going to let him do that.” I don’t believe her.

It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you. I wonder if you miss me. From what I can see, you’re doing well, you and Veronica. You’re playing house. You feel safe. That’s nice.

If a nine-year-old girl did it, she’d get sympathetic cooing.

Want to know how much you’d have to pay a homeless guy to set off fireworks in a crowded place? Fifty bucks.

And I miss my mom. If I’m being honest.

Ew why

But no. That’s a lie. With Nico, I only felt powerful when I was destroying something. Now I want to build things.

It’s so easy to destroy. It’s cheap and lazy and small.