One to Watch

by Kate Stayman-London

Not doing the show seemed like the safe option, but it wasn’t, really—it was just knowable.

“Bea,” Julia said gently, “what do you want? Is it really such a scary question to answer?” Bea’s head was swimming. She’d been so sure that staying professional on this show had been the right decision—to prioritize her goals for her career, just as she’d always done before. But when she thought of all the nights lying alone, longing for Ray, when she thought of the vicious lie that had been swirling in the recesses of her brain since high school, that she was too fat and too ugly ever to have the kind of love that seemed to come so easily to her family and friends, when she thought of how badly she’d wanted Asher to kiss her in that museum, and how terrified she felt that admitting her desires could only compound her humiliation, but, on the other hand, that not admitting them could seal her fate of being alone forever … It suddenly felt like she was only fighting against herself, and there was no possible way to win.

“Safer to stay where you are then, isn’t it?” she coaxed. “Even if where you are makes you miserable.”

it’s the hardest thing in the world. To have been that hurt, to feel that afraid, and to know that the only way you can be really, fully happy is to risk going through it all again? It’s a terrifying choice to make. But if you want to let someone be that close to you, it’s the only way.”

“It’s about choice. A lot of people live their lives by default, walking through the doors in front of them because it seems expedient. That’s one way to have a family. But us? We chose each other. And that’s what you’re doing here,

Bean—that’s why it feels so scary. Because it is. You’re choosing your family.” “And what if I can’t?” Bea wiped the tears out of her eyes. “What if there’s something inside me that’s just—I don’t know, incapable?” “Not possible.” Bob smiled, his whole face warm and crinkled. “Bean, everyone in this family knows how much love you have inside you. We’re together because of you. Your good heart was the key that unlocked our whole lives.”

“I don’t know what to do, Bop. I want to be brave, like you two, but I just—I don’t know what to do.” “It starts with the choice, just like your mom said. Here in this room, it seems to me you have a sense that you might want one of these fellas to be your family. If you want that, you can have it. B...

Then his hands were in her hair and he was kissing her, a hard, fast release and there was nothing false about it, nothing pretend and nothing safe, swirling laughter and panic and comfort and free fall and every, every second captured on the whirring cameras, their bodies warm and intertwined against the chill spring air. It felt like terror. It felt like freedom. It felt like the beginning.

Producer: When did you have a sense that something might be wrong? Nash: It seemed weird that they wanted us to go get food. Like, aren’t there assistants for that? We’re on the show. Producer: So why did you go? Cooper: I don’t know, man. Bea’s brother was there, and he’s so fucking creepy. He was waving the truck keys at us. We just got in. Producer: What happened then? Nash: He said the place was just up the road, but he didn’t mention it was this long, winding backcountry dirt road with maybe fifteen turnoffs. And when we got there … the smell. Cooper: I’ve never seen so many cows in my life. The stench, the manure … it was so much. Producer: So did you get the ice cream? Cooper: No, man! Tim dropped us off at some random gate, said we just had to walk through the cows and the ice cream shop was right there, that he was gonna go park. Then he fucking took off! We had to wade through a literal field of shit. A field. Of. Shit. Producer: (laughs) Nash: Hey, fuck you, man. It was not funny. Producer: Come on, guys. It’s kind of funny. Nash: We were in the middle of nowhere, with no humans, no directions, no phones— Producer: No cameras. Cooper: Exactly! It took us, what, three hours to find our way back to civilization? Producer: And you smell like cows. Cooper: (turns to Nash) Hey—do you think they did this because you called Bea a cow? Nash: (realizes) Motherfucker.

Shareeza [6:51am]: Copy! Bea says if someone doesn’t get her an iced coffee she’s breaking up with everyone Lauren [6:51am]: Honestly same

honestly same

“Growing up, I was always wary of boys. When I was little, kids in elementary school were so cruel—even in high school, they treated me like a joke, you know? I didn’t really date until college, and guys there were happy to sleep with me—just not to be seen with me in public. After that, I think I really shied away from putting myself out there. I would fall in love with these unavailable people, and tell myself it was my own bad luck, but the truth is, maybe I was just trying to avoid finding something real, because it still scared me so much.”

She tried to convince herself that this was no big deal—after all, what was she really losing? They were just hopes. They’d been intense, maybe, but she could live without them. Put off her chances at happiness for another few weeks until all this was over, just as she’d done so many times before. Waiting to schedule dates until after she got home from this next trip, after she finished up this project, after she lost a little weight. After, always after, until her romantic life became a kind of stasis, cryogenically suspended in a perpetual state of anticipation.

FLYER POSTED IN THE BOONE, OKLAHOMA, FARM SUPPLY MART TOMORROW: TRACTOR PARADE HIGHWAY 47–12PM WELCOME HOME WYATT FROM MAIN SQUEEZE!!!! BRING FOOD IF YOU WANT

sooo cute 🫶

“Sam, I had a great time with you today.” “Me too—despite the persistent fear of death.” “What can I say? I bring out the best in people.”

For those of you who haven’t heard, Bea Schumacher and Asher Chang-Reitman from this season of Main Squeeze were photographed together watching fireworks with his kids on the Fourth of July, and the whole Internet basically erupted with joy. Cat: It’s so nice to feel proud of this country again!