Charming as a Verb

by Ben Philippe

The first hustle, if you want to call it that, is also the simplest: Smiling.

a snowless New Year, preceded by a snowless Christmas, and a mostly snowless December.

Wait they said this was 2019 and, yes, we DID have no snow that year. Remember? It snowed, like, ONCE.

(People who moved here to pursue comedy, writing, theater, TV, and need to make ends meet every month until they make it big or move back home.)

Okay but living in NYC and just walking dogs all day…sounds like a pretty good job to me

Morningside Heights.

Okay so he really is near Columbia. Cool.

“Ma! I’m home for exactly nineteen minutes!”

Okay this sounds like a Dean thing

purposely slamming the medicine cabinet a little too loudly.

Again, Dean. Remember when he got angry at my shampoo for falling so he spiked it on the floor?

“Punctuality, Work Ethic, and Education”

It already sounds like he’ll have none of these by the end of the book.

I applied to nine colleges total, each ranging from sixty to ninety-five dollars in application fees.

There are fee waivers for those. Btw.

Game Boy 3DS.

Not a thing. It’s either a GameBoy or a 3DS. This is like the Nintendo by Sega all over again.

Trump University’s

I mean…you did say Penn was your backup… KIDDING OFC. Obviously I applied to Penn too. We don’t hate on Penn.

Mrs. Carroll.”

Ew why that teacher??

Mrs. Carroll is not to be trusted.

GLAD WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE

She’s the kind of teacher who pulls quiz questions from optional readings

AND MAKES THEM UP HERSELF WITH FOUR CORRECT ANSWERS BUT ONLY ONE THAT SHE DEEMS RIGHT

The woman would excel in a dystopian world where teachers can electrocute students.

YES WE’RE CLEARLY TALKING ABOUT THE SAME MRS CARROLL HERE

“You think Mrs. Carroll will see you with a group of pals in the hallway and rescind the letter she already sent to Princeton?”

Idk she did utilize my own social life to give me bad grades in her class for a year.

Mrs. Carroll is an ass.”

Such a true statement

EarPods

Omg I love this. EarPods. Isn’t that, like, the OFFICIAL name for Apple earbuds?

Cursing her out wouldn’t have gotten you closer to Princeton.”

Believe me…I KNOW cursing Carroll out won’t get anyone closer to Princeton.

“Canada,”

See thats a reason for YES not a reason for no

“We’re not those singing pricks from Glee.

Wow rude. And they say “amazing!” in the show circle, not “go team!”

there are eleven colleges and universities in the Greater Montreal area.

Why didn’t I go to college in Canada?

Angels in America

OH MY GOD SUCH A DEEP DIVE WHAT LIKE SHE HAD ON LES MIS BEFORE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BUT ANGELS IN AMERICA IS SO SO SO SO SO RANDOM, TO THE POINT WHERE I ONLY KNOW OF IT BECAUSE OF ANDREW GARFIELD

“I never lied to you!” I know that’s a lie.

Dehydrated people can get a heart attack if they’re given too much water too quickly.

Hmm thats good to know as someone who often gets dehydrated and who has probable cardiac issues

Saratoga Springs!”

Yo hi there that’s near me