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Reading was my one joy.
“You weren’t scared?” “Of course I was scared.” Ruth smacked my arm like I was a fool for suggesting otherwise. “But if I let that stop me from taking chances, I’d never get to do anything fun.”
I raised the window. “What are you doing here?” “Well, since your hair’s not long enough for me to climb, I figured I’d scale the tower wall.” Jack managed a half-hearted grin, but I hardly thought this was the appropriate time for jokes.
“After everything I’ve told you, only a fool would want to get involved.” “Then I’m a fool.”
“Home doesn’t have to be a place, Jack.” “Oh yeah? What else can it be?” “Anything you want.”
“Because hatred is like a fire. It will spread within you, consuming everything indiscriminately. You’ve too much good here”—I tapped his chest—“to let that happen.”
“For a cynic, you’re quite an optimist.” “Nah, I’m just too big a fool to know what I can’t do.” Jack managed to surprise me every time we were together. As soon as I thought I understood him, he did or said something unexpected, and my affection for him grew like the tree reaching for the sun.
I’d never met anyone who had thrown me so off-balance and made me like it. When I wasn’t with Wil, I wanted to be, and when we were together, I was scared by how happy he made me. I felt like I was losing control. Like I was a sailor about to blissfully crash into the rocks with the sound of a siren song stuck in my ears.
“Running from you would be like running from the air in my lungs.” I took his hand and held it to my chest. “Don’t you get it yet? I can’t breathe without you, Wil. You told me once that home doesn’t have to be a place. Well, what if home is a person? Because you feel like home to me.”
His hand touched the back of my neck and pulled me closer. I was kissing the sound of applause, the smell of a new fire on a frigid winter morning, the warmth of the summer sun. We became vines entwined about one another for a season, we were the sun and moon dancing in the same blue sky. It was everything I had never imagined, and nothing less than I had ever dared dream. Kissing Wilhelm was magic and more.
“I see you, Jack,” I said. “Not what you think I see, not what you want others to see, but what’s real. I have never seen you any other way.”
“I’ll steal your heart,” he said. “You cannot steal a gift freely given.”
“You really care for him, don’t you?” “How badly will you mock me if I say yes?”
“You don’t have to stay with me because I’m helping you. My feelings for you aren’t iron cuffs.” “You’re right. They’re wings.” And then he kissed me.
I think it must’ve been a person who’d wished for love but had never known it who’d created the first clock. Because time is a reminder of how quickly the present passes and how little of the future remains, and no one in love would want to know that.
But I wanted to tell you that I’m coming. I know that this might seem futile, but the dawn always follows the dark. And if you’re right, and our ship is doomed to go down, then we’ll sink together and I’ll play us a lullaby on the ocean floor. I don’t believe that will happen, though, because Laszlo was wrong. You were never the caterpillar. You have always been my butterfly, just as I am your phoenix, and together we will fly far from here. You have my heart, Wilhelm Gessler. Keep it safe until we meet again.
MY MISERY WAS as boundless as the sky, my soul as dark as midwinter night. I was rushing toward the inevitable, and I could see no way to prevent the resulting crash. I wasn’t certain I wanted to any longer. It might be better to cease my existence than be forced to live in conditions such as these. To forever be subject to the cruel whims of my captor.

