Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots

by Deborah Feldman

Zeidy spent his life in pursuit of harchavas hadaas, a broadened mind. How to broaden my mind in a world that is so narrow, both inside and out?

I used to marvel at the innate right those authors felt they had to speak their mind in whatever way they saw fit, to put down on paper their innermost thoughts, when I couldn’t contemplate a day that I would not feel compelled to keep secrets.

I am so tired of being ashamed of my true self. I am exhausted by the years I have spent pretending to be pious and chastising myself for my faithlessness. I want to be free—physically, yes, but free in every way, free to acknowledge myself for who I am, free to present my true face to the world. I want to be on this library shelf, alongside these other authors, for whom truth is a birthright.

I have freed myself from my past, but I have not let go of it. I cherish the moments and experiences that formed me. I have lived the story.

I care so deeply about the rights of women and children, and I am keenly aware of how those rights can be violated in the community I grew up in. It is my belief that bringing transformation to these radical groups is in the best interest of the greater society that supports them.

I was looking for a new place to fit in, but I didn’t want to trade a repressive past for a future just like it.

People want to know if I’ve found happiness, but what I’ve found is better: authenticity. I’m finally free to be myself, and that feels good. If anyone ever tries to tell you to be something you’re not, I hope you too can find the courage to speak up in protest.

Absolutely beautiful.

I would have liked to become a writer only once adequately prepared for it. I’ve since learned that there is no adequate preparation for writing except the act itself. Yet at the time, the practical reasons for writing the book weighed so heavily on me that they made writing feel less like a creative act of expression and more like the knotting of a rope ladder that would lead me to safety.

When you carve yourself out of your entire life, you are not left with much. It takes a decade to build both a new self and a life to go with it, and had somebody told me how hard it would be, I might not have undertaken the challenge at all.

Happiness has a way of playing hide-and-seek when you actively pursue it, but it often surprises you when you least expect it.

New York City is still the stuff of dreams for many young people, but for me it was a backyard full of skeletons, a maze of familiar faces and triggers for bad memories.