I Want to Be Where the Normal People Are

by Rachel Bloom

a “looser,” yes, but a white, straight, upper-middle-class, cis-gendered, able-bodied one. Of course, this caveat regarding privilege applies to many other conflicts in my life so feel free to apply this footnote to any of the conflicts throughout the book as you see fit!

people who asked me, “So did you guys write that whole thing?” after the drama department put on Into the Woods. No, Gaskin. We didn’t.

But my bullies were so fucking stupid they thought the heroes of those movies were the BULLIES.

I am so insecure in my own skin that my speech pattern is a collection of half-baked impressions of the adults that I respect: my mother, my father, Ethel Merman, and Joan Cusack in Addams Family Values.

A teensy-tiny fact to add to the mix: This whole time, I was wrestling with a darkness in my mind that I later realized was obsessive-compulsive disorder. I’ll go into this later (it’s a fun beach read!), but for now let’s just say that it was a shadow over my life that colored everything I did. Get excited!

Now, obviously, his name was not really Devon McElroy. I’ve changed his name to protect his privacy. His real name was Ryan Hamilton.

the two girls who grabbed my hoodie / killed my uncle

The chemicals of infatuation had taken hold of my eight-year-old body and I was ready to throw away everything I’d worked for to be closer to him.

That’s right, that bitch! While the rest of you were going to parties and tonguing each other’s mouth holes, little lonely Rachel here was honing her craft! And now, I dub her…the lead in everything!

Liza Minnellius!”

The hat pressed tighter against his head and, Harry could swear, also pinched his ass.

Harry’s scar burned for the first time in nineteen years. They would have to see Mamma Mia! instead. All was not well.

Except for straight men in musical theater. Straight men in musical theater are irredeemable fuckfaces.

The actors in the Harry Potter movie series are NOT the actual characters. They are actors playing the characters in the Harry Potter books, all of whom are real, and I will meet them someday.

One time, my parents and I even went on Yom Kippur. At one point, I remember my mother saying, “Who says we aren’t at temple? We’re at a temple…of the Forbidden Eye!”

“You’re too much of a gluttonous fatass to ever become a vegan even though you know it’s the ethical thing to do!”