Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema

by Lindy West

Also, who writes their novel on loose pages on a typewriter in an open-air shack next to a pond? Amelia Bedelia?

The true work of love isn’t staying together when things are perfect; it’s staying together even when things are awful, weathering catastrophic mistakes (within reason) because, well, you decided to, and because you know the potential is as real as the now.

You know, it’s like actually insane to make Harry sleep in the cupboard under the stairs when you have an entire extra bedroom. And don’t you need the storage? I would NEVER give up my linen closet no matter how much I hated my shitty nephew!

Anyway, if you want to turn your little girl into a wet-blanket feminazi killjoy, just make sure that, once in a while, a male character in one of her beloved PG movies uses the threat of sexual mutilation to keep a female character trapped in a physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive relationship for life! It works!

HOW IS ICEMAN THE VILLAIN OF THIS MOVIE??????? BECAUSE HE LIKES SAFETY??????????????????????? THIS IS HOW AMERICA BECAME A HOTSPOT OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

Maverick is a full psycho and would definitely be at the “reopen America” protests

Unfortunately, due to the indefatigable vileness of men throughout history, sexual exploitation and abuse of power have pervaded all of our art and media, and everything is tainted and fucked!

Eddie Furlong as a child has the energy of an old Kristen Stewart.

Watch Sandra Bullock in Speed and then tell me you don’t want to frame your spouse for a crime so you can marry her instead!