Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema

by Lindy West

I don’t dream of dying adorable; I dream of dying calloused and wise, of looking my husband in the eyes and saying, “Remember that thing we almost didn’t survive? Aren’t you so glad we did?” At the same time, though. I cannot fucking imagine. The look. On my face. If my husband came to me and said… “Honey…” “Yeah?” “Honey.” “What is it?” “Honey, I have something to tell you.” “Just tell me!” “Honey…I shrunk the kids.”

I can’t help feeling like Gump was AGGRESSIVELY failed by the system. Like, he’s no brainiac, but he’s capable of understanding basic concepts! If he can follow the rules of Ping-Pong to the letter, he can grasp the idea that some white people think they’re better than Black people. Instead, apparently everyone just tapped out hard on Forrest’s education, like, “Oh, he’s a little slow. Let’s NEVER TELL HIM ANYTHING.”

You know, it’s like actually insane to make Harry sleep in the cupboard under the stairs when you have an entire extra bedroom.

They use the extra bedroom for Dudley's toys until Hagrid shows up and scares the daylights of them.

I’m sorry for constantly digressing, but who invented chocolate? Wizards or Muggles? Are house elves down in Brazil harvesting, roasting, grinding, and exporting cacao beans? Or did Muggles figure all that out, and then wizards just buy Muggle chocolate from Muggle chocolate factories (with WHAT KIND OF MONEY?) and then bewitch it to jump around like a frog?

I think it's pretty obvious Willy Wonka is a Wizard. Slytherin probably.

What does the Sorting Hat do the rest of the year? Does it have to sit in a cupboard in the dark? That seems cruel and unusual for a living hat.

It lives in Dumbledore's office.

Here we sit, grizzled and pandemic-worn, already five years beyond 2015—the dazzling, neon-lit vision that Doc Brown and Marty McFly drive to in Back to the Future Part II in search of [question mark?????].

Trying to keep Marty Jr. out of jail.

Hey, I have a question. Who’s the Biff of Marty’s generation? Who’s Griff’s dad? Does he look like Biff too?

Mom. Griff's mom is Biff's daughter, Tiff.

But, on the other hand, like I said, if he were a real person I would shoot Maverick with a crossbow.

MAVERICK. IT IS BAD TO BE DANGEROUS. YOU ARE FLYING A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR WARPLANE PRESUMABLY CHUNKY-STUFFED WITH WEAPONS THAT COULD KILL LOTS OF PEOPLE AND POTENTIALLY CAUSE A GLOBAL WAR IF USED IMPROPERLY. HOW IS ICEMAN THE VILLAIN OF THIS MOVIE??????? BECAUSE HE LIKES SAFETY??????????????????????? THIS IS HOW AMERICA BECAME A HOTSPOT OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

Maverick and Goose start to crash. They have to eject. But Goose’s hatch thingy doesn’t detach properly and he blasts straight into the dome exactly like a goose flying into a plate glass window! They parachute into the sea, but Maverick can tell that Goose already died. It was Goose’s last honk. If only he had stuck to boogie-woogie piano.

Charlie, being an idiot child, wants to hop in the sleigh and let the reindeer drag them off the roof to their deaths—“Are you gonna put on the suit like the card said? I wanna go too!”—but Tim Allen says no. “YOU NEVER DO WHAT I WANT TO DO!” Charlie laments. YEAH. JUDGE REINHOLD ALWAYS LETS ME PUT ON A DEAD MAN’S CLOTHES AND RIDE A DEER.

Dr. Grant, being some sort of Flintstone who has never ridden in a motorized vehicle before, fumbles with the seat belts like a confounded granny in an infomercial for lids.

The jeeps rumble deeper into the jungle. “HEY, RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH, WHAT’S WITH THIS BIG FENCE?” “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT’S DEFINITELY NOT FOR MONSTERS.”

I don’t speak Zulu, but I believe the lyrics roughly translate to “WAKE UP, ANIMALS, IT’S TIME FOR A BABY LION’S BIRTHDAY AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR HANGOVER.”

You’re an already-comfortable yet inexplicably enraged middle-aged white guy in 1994 with a government pension who’s prepared to kill a bunch of working-class people on public transit so you can squeeze millions of dollars of fun-money out of the US taxpayer coffers because you want it? LOL. Is Speed an allegory for the twenty-first-century GOP?????