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Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema
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4%
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This is allowed because in 1993 it was still okay to make movies all about men, as their contract wasn’t up yet.
8%
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The Fugitive is the best movie because it has the best lines and is never scary, only interesting and exciting. All other movies should quit. Case closed. GAVEL.
11%
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Also, who writes their novel on loose pages on a typewriter in an open-air shack next to a pond? Amelia Bedelia?
17%
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Then he delivers his signature Lieutenant Dan socks lecture. LIEUTENANT DAN LOVES SOCKS. This becomes something of a tragic irony later.
Veda DeVille
WHY DID I NEVER THINK ABOUT THIS?!?
18%
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“If you’re ever a shrimp boat captain, that’s the day I’m an astronaut.”
Veda DeVille
And the next year, he was!!! (Apollo 13)
22%
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(for best results, as you watch the sex scene, remember that James Garner is describing it all to an old lady with dementia).
44%
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Bill Paxton is snooping around on the ocean floor trying to find a big necklace to impress Britney Spears.
59%
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Right away they wiggle out of the box and eat this dude named “the Gatekeeper,” and then they’re like, “OM GROM GROMPH. WASN’T EVEN HUNGRY—JUST ATE HIM TO FUCK WITH YOU GUYS #YOLO.”
69%
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The Velcro magnate talks about how he got too rich selling his patent for “silent Velcro” (WHAT NEED DOES THAT FILL2),
Veda DeVille
BURLESQUE!!!!!
71%
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think it’s weird not to explain why your robot is Austrian and has a dick.1