Embrace the Suck: The Navy SEAL Way to an Extraordinary Life

by Brent Gleeson

conducted any research to define the mental, emotional, cognitive, and physical attributes of the candidates who are most likely to graduate the course. The pipeline is well over a year of extremely demanding training, and it carries an attrition rate that scares most off before they even sign up. It’s very competitive just to be accepted into the program, much less graduate and be welcomed into “the brotherhood.” And of those highly capable students who begin, only about 15 percent earn their Trident pin

Obviously, athleticism and intellect play a role, but it’s far deeper than these attributes alone: grit, resilience, and a deep passion to serve as a SEAL rank at the top.

In times of war or uncertainty there is a special breed of warrior ready to answer our nation’s call. A common man with uncommon desire to succeed. Forged by adversity, he stands alongside America’s finest special operations forces to serve his country, the American people, and protect their way of life. I am that man.

A common man with uncommon desire

to succeed. Forged by adversity. Upon further reflection, I boiled what the commander told me down into what I now refer to as The Three ...

We break the definition of resilience into three categories: 1. Challenge: Resilient people view difficulty as a challenge, not as a paralyzing event. They look at their failures and mistakes as lessons to be learned from and opportunities for growth. In our words, they embrace the suck better than others because they lean in. 2. Commitment: Resilient people are committed to their lives and goals. They have a compelling reason to get out of bed in the morning. They are not easily deterred or distracted by “opportunities” that are unrelated to their desired outcomes. 3. Control: Resilient people spend their time and energy focusing on situations and events that they have control over. And because they put their efforts where they can have the most impact, they feel empowered

Each night, without fail, we closed the meeting by reciting a famous quote on the value of persistence from former President Calvin Coolidge. Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not: unrewarded genius is almost

a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

Nothing great in this world comes without a little bit of adversity. Nothing

amazing happens inside our comfort zones.

Whether we are talking about getting a promotion, nurturing a challenged marriage, mastering a sport, building or saving a small business, navigating a pandemic, battling disease, dealing with the loss of a loved one, raising children, or hunti...

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. —BUDDHIST PROVERB

What drives resilience in each of us is very personal. Our passions and purpose are a culmination of varying events, experiences, beliefs, values, and external factors.

Resilience presents a challenge for many psychologists. Whether you can be said to have it or not largely depends not on any particular psychological test but on the way your life unfolds. If you are lucky (or unlucky) enough to never experience any sort of adversity, you won’t know how resilient you are.

The good Lord needs dangerous frogmen, which can only be forged in adversity. David Goggins’s prayers had been answered. As the Navy SEAL Ethos states, “My Nation expects me to be physically harder and mentally stronger than my enemies.” One of the instructors standing over us said something I’ll never forget, “Gentlemen, take all that pain, shaking, and cold and turn it into aggression. Let it drive you.”

We all gravitated toward John. He had a positive mental attitude and an innate ability to fire us up about the misery we would face each day. On Sunday afternoon, as fear consumed us in the classroom, he read us the St. Crispin’s Day speech from William Shakespeare’s Henry V

“From this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remembered. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.”

The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for staying ashore. —VINCENT VAN GOGH

and had to crush the boundaries of my comfort zone just to be accepted into the program. This was purposeful suffering. It had meaning. There was a vision. A call to serve. If I didn’t lean into it, all would be lost. Suck it the fuck up. You earned your right to be here. You have a long way to go, so embrace the suck and get it done.

Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dąbrowski argues that fear, anxiety, and sadness are not always undesirable or damaging states of mind, but rather representative of the necessary pain for psychological growth. To avoid pain is basically to deny our own potential. You don’t build muscle or physical stamina without experiencing pain. But it’s the type of pain that signifies forward progress. Similarly, we can’t develop psychological resilience without experiencing emotional pain and suffering.

THE ACT: Fully experience your pain and emotions. THE PROCESS: The largest mistake people make is masking their emotions and denying their true suffering. This is counterproductive and can lead to deeper problems in the future. When each emotion comes, feel it.

hell has no end, you can still find ways to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Perspective plays a key role in acceptance. Our brains can be evil fuckers—

controlling us, distorting our reality. We must take a step back and challenge our existing way of thinking, conduct a “perspective audit,” if you will. Ask: What is the root cause of my existing stress and suffering? Is my current perspective realistic? Is it solving any of my challenges? Or could there possibly be a different—and more productive—way of looking at things?

THE ACT: Stay (or become) active and avoid negative coping mechanisms. THE PROCESS: It’s useless to focus all your energy on events that you no longer have control over. Instead of wasting time in this way, get active in your everyday life. Take up distance running, swimming, biking, martial arts, or all of the above. And commit to it. Physical and mental wellness are crucial for embracing the suck.

This is called confirmation bias—the tendency to favor information that confirms our assumptions, preconceptions, or hypotheses whether or not they are actually and independently true. Our need to find patterns and make sense of everything can distort reality.

THE ACT: Accept and forgive. THE PROCESS: Holding on to hatred and resentment—for ourselves or others—only poisons you. Hatred for the enemy that killed your teammate, an ex-spouse and her attorney, the drunk driver that took your sister, COVID-19, the IRS, cancer, everything. It keeps you forever trapped in the past, focusing on an element that you’re letting define who you are today. Learn to let go. To give up. Give in. When you do, you’ll feel the weight lifted and be able to channel the renewed energy into positive new pursuits.

Questions to ask yourself: Do I have more of a fixed mindset or a growth mindset? If I reflect on some of my more physically and emotionally painful experiences, how did I initially react? How long did it take for me to heal? Could I have done things differently? How do I apply painful experiences to my growth and development? Am I becoming more resilient, building brain calluses, or continuing to react in the same way to adversity? What do I do on a regular basis to inject a little positive pain into my life? When I have been especially resilient, what was true about me?

In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity. —SUN TZU

Through vision, hard work, preparation, appropriate course correction, and resilience, they make their own luck. Especially when it comes to bouncing back from adversity.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. —ERNEST HEMINGWAY

Attention to all who enter here. If you are coming into this room with sorrow or to feel sorry for my wounds, go elsewhere. The wounds I received I got in a job I love, doing it for people I love, supporting the freedom of a country I deeply love. I am incredibly tough and will make a full recovery.

What is full? That is the absolute utmost physically my body has the ability to recover. Then I will push that about 20 percent further through sheer mental tenacity. This room you are about to enter is a room of fun, optimism, and intense rapid regrowth. If you are not prepared for that, go elsewhere.

Inspired by that? No shit. Me too. Feel kind of stupid because you just screamed a flurry of expletives after stepping on a Lego?

1. You can’t know what will happen until tomorrow—and it’s better that way. 2. You can’t control what happens, just how you respond. 3. Adversity distorts reality but crystallizes the truth. 4. Loss amplifies the value of what remains. 5. It’s easier to create new dreams than cling to broken ones.

Your happiness is more important than righting injustices.

Building resilience—which we will dive deep into in the coming chapters—starts with embracing the suck. Moving from causal thinking and analysis paralysis to action-oriented execution. Moving past the “Why me, why now?” mindset to finding a new path; asking, “What h...

Usually way too much time. Causal thinking and analysis paralysis can keep us locked in our tiny box of mediocrity, content to eat Ritz crackers and watch daytime TV, impairing our ability to learn from bad experiences and take fucking action. Causal reasoning is the process of identifying causality, the relationship between a cause and its effect. The study of causality extends from ancient philosophy to contemporary neuropsychology, but let’s keep it simple: I’m basically talking about dwelling on the past. We should learn from it, but not dwell on it.

When you get pinned down by enemy fire and have to choose between three bad options, you still have to choose.

There is a big difference between being trapped in causal reflection and applying lessons learned to take action. When we can transform our minds toward action-oriented thinking by accepting life’s sick little jokes and learning what we can along the way, awesomeness and winning are sure to follow. Just remember, winning never comes without adversity. They are joined at the hip.

If it doesn’t involve at least a little bit of pain, adversity, or challenge, it’s not worth doing.

Whatever the goal, there are always obstacles and bad cards to contend with along the way.

You can’t always control what the Wheel of Misfortune has in store for you or when and where you’ll get hit with enemy fire, but you can control what you learn from these experiences and how you fight back. You can wallow in misery or tell tragedy to go fuck itself with the mindset David Goggins explains in his book Can’t Hurt Me. You can drop heavy ordnance on that enemy position, get up, dust yourself off, and live to fight another day. When obstacles strike (and they will), you need to identify the root cause, apply lessons learned, and move on with life.

of course correction and improvement. You bounce back faster each time tragedy strikes. Your perception of adversity and its impact on you and those around you evolves. Did Jason get shot in the face? You’re damn right he did. He was already a great combat leader, and now he’s an even stronger person for it. He didn’t waste a second crying about it. He walked his bad ass to that medevac helicopter and never looked back. He turned tragedy into a tool for inspiring others. Pretty fucking cool in my opinion.

Identify the root causes of your failures, pain, and barriers to happiness, then develop a plan and execute, execute, execute.

Questions to ask yourself: When I get knocked down, do I get back up quickly or tend to drown in self-pity? Do I trend initially toward surprise, denial, and anger when given feedback or do I accept it and take action? What have I learned from the adversity I have experienced in my life? Did I apply that to make positive changes? If so, have I been consistent in applying those changes? Do I spend too much time analyzing what’s beyond my control or find the silver lining and move forward? How am I going to hold myself accountable to using the Five-Step Root Cause Analysis mental model?

Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same but you leave them all over everything you do. —ELVIS PRESLEY

The most interesting data points are centered on the difficult to measure but important aspects of shared values, emotional maturity, and a deep passion to serve. Feeling connected to the mission carries guys through the most painful times. They have a vision that must be fulfilled, a goal so important that nothing will stand in their way.

Over time, humans have developed six ways of making decisions—instincts, subconscious beliefs, conscious beliefs, intuition, inspiration, and values. Values are an integral part of life and they play an important role in the way our lives unfold. They are, of course, highly personal and can vary significantly from person to person. It’s important that you know what your values are, so you can make the best possible decisions for executing your personal mission plan. It’s important to ask ourselves the following questions: What do I value most in life? What is my ultimate purpose? My why? What is my plan for fulfilling that purpose?

If we can’t answer these questions with conviction, it becomes very challenging to align our decisions, activities, and behaviors with achieving our goals. Our values will be tested many times on the battlefield of life, and our experiences can shape those values, for better or worse. And sometimes, even when we have clearly defined those values, we lose sight of them.