Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict

by Joshua Coleman

And when that occurs, family members can sometimes become unrecognizable to each other. Researchers Becca Bland and Lucy Blake found that “clash of personality or values” was a common reason that participants gave to explain estrangement from their parents. Megan Gilligan, Jill Suitor, and Karl Pillemer found that adult children whose mothers reported that they were dissimilar to them were far more likely to become estranged than adult children whose mothers reported that they shared a similar outlook on life. “It was hard enough growing up in an area that wasn’t very supportive of my sexuality, without having my own family make me feel like crap,” Samuel explains. “The confusing part is that my parents are basically good people if you can be close-minded, homophobic, and sometimes racist, and still be a good person. I think they believe what they believe and that’s fine, just don’t act like I’m on a fast track to hell every time you see me and expect me to want to race home for the holidays. I’m religious, too, just not like they are. I still believe in God. I found a nice church out here. So unless something changes, I’m done.” “You’re saying that you wouldn’t be estranged if they were able to keep their opinions to themselves about your sexuality?” In my initial interviews with estranged family members, I’m interested in which areas are nonnegotiable and which have some room to maneuver. It was his parents’ need to constantly tell him that he was going to hell that caus...