Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict

by Joshua Coleman

duty, however problematic those may also be, but rather upon the way that the relationship makes the other feel about him or herself. In contrast to prior generations, conflict is no longer seen as an unavoidable, and perhaps even necessary, component of family life, but rather a referendum on each person: Does my parent limit my potential? My happiness? My distinctiveness? What does it say about me to stay in contact? To end contact? What kind of person does that make me?

While American parents believe that rebellion against the parental order is a normal, even expectable, set of behaviors on the path to adulthood, Dutch parents believe that teens should be eased into the world of adulthood with the parents’ knowledge and collaboration, a process she calls “interpersonal individualism.”

I’ve found in my clinical work that there is often a proportional relationship between how much an adult child may need to blame the parent for their issues and how much shame or feelings of defectiveness they carry into adulthood. For those young adults, later contact with the parent feels like a powerful tide to pull her off her own moorings, and a reminder of her earlier feelings of

worry that I’m encouraging a position that is “enabling” the young adult’s immaturity. This concern misunderstands the disabling influence of shame and the powerful need people have to direct it away from themselves. The need for parents to take more responsibility or show more empathy to an adult child is especially necessary in a highly individualistic culture like ours, where the myth of the meritocracy reads, “You have no one to blame but yourself if you don’t succeed in life.” When parents say, “Yes, we could see how you might be in a better place if we had done things differently,” it allows the adult to feel less shame about whatever ways they feel inadequate.

the adult child doesn’t have the wherewithal to construct a happy and successful life, it’s parents who are blamed by the child and society for their lack of initiative and success. Which is incredibly unfair to those parents. As historian Stephanie Coontz notes, “There is this American tendency to transform social problems into individual problems and societal failures into personal failures.” Law professor Linda Fentiman

injustice of their wrongful accusations is a fool’s errand. If your adult child says, “You should’ve been more x, y, or z [fill in the blank: available, patient, insightful]. As a result I’m b, c, or d [fill in the blank: too anxious, depressed, have intimacy issues, not successful, can’t manage money],” you’re far better off just accepting that as an unknown that you have no need to contest. “Yes, perhaps you’re right. At the time I wasn’t aware that you felt that way or needed something different from me. I’m so sorry I missed that. I could see how that would’ve been better for you.” Put another way, it’s almost impossible for any of us, parent or child, to know the exact influences of how we came to be, and so it’s better for you and better for your adult child for you to bring as much humility to the table as you can. DOES MY CHILD HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER? Dear Mom, I just thought you should know that I am so done with you and everything you stand for. You only

make a close relationship difficult, if not impossible. This is because it’s the closeness that they find so challenging. They lack the internal resources that allow them to navigate the normal slings and arrows of parent–adult child relations. They’re constantly feeling hijacked by their emotions and perceptions. Desperate feelings and thoughts require desperate actions to find relief. And in the same way that some seek the comfort of alcohol, drugs, or sex, those who live in constant pain and threat of dysregulation seek the comfort of control and the control of others, no matter how manipulative the ends.

encourage people to conform to the institutional dictates of the time, today’s therapists and self-help authors want to help their clients become more resistant to the forces of guilt, shame, and worry about others that stand in the way of their developing their talents and pursuing their dreams. To that end, family members have increasingly come to be viewed as facilitators of (or obstacles to) a fully realized life, rather than necessary and forgivable features in an expectably imperfect existence. While the family was once where individuals located themselves

We perpetuate a myth of self-actualization untethered to the obligations and benefits of family, community, and social institutions.

In addition, while most adult children do want to eventually understand their parent’s perspective, their ability to do so may be limited or constrained by how much guilt or how many feelings of responsibility that such an understanding engenders.

For the adult child, the decision to estrange the parent, however painful, is nonetheless tied to a narrative of liberation from oppressive forces and the pursuit of happiness. There is no equivalent upside for the parent. It’s all downside: failing at life’s most important task; being denied the valued reflection of oneself as a parent; feeling shame before one’s peers and family; losing not only the adult child, but often a relationship to cherished grandchildren.

There are a number of reasons why an adult child might not respond to the most perfectly crafted letter, regardless of the cause of estrangement: Their child isn’t ready to forgive because they feel too hurt, mad, or harmed by the parent to be ready to reconcile. They believe, rightly or wrongly, that the parent isn’t sincere. They need to blame the parent

for their unhappiness, and forgiving the parent deprives them of this opportunity. This can occur when a troubled adult child needs to blame their failures in life on the parent as a way to protect themselves from feelings of shame or defect.

constant rhythm of adaptation between two people who are changing. The same is true for relationships with our adult children. They’re changing. We’re changing. There are things we may not like about them nor they about us. Our task is to find ways to let our love and support be the guiding lights of engagement.

fragility may mean that he has to construct the world in an overly simplistic fashion: “People are either with me or against me.” This is why sometimes the estranged child not only cuts off the parents, but anyone related to the parents, even revered grandparents, siblings, aunts, and uncles.

The avoidance of conflict is at the heart of many estrangements.