You're the Only One I've Told: The Stories Behind Abortion

by Meera Shah

I’ve always believed that the simple act of sharing stories is one of the most effective ways to influence, teach, and inspire change. Storytelling creates emotional connections between people. By sharing the nuances of culture, history, and values, people and ideas are united through their stories. Even if an individual can’t identify with another’s exact experience, there is usually some component of the story, even as small as the fleeting, universal emotions of fear or happiness, that can be shared and appreciated.

the briefest moment of vulnerability can be the beginning of a meaningful connection, even with a complete stranger.

There is no such thing as a good abortion or bad abortion or someone who is worthy of an abortion or someone who is not. These stories show that people who have abortions are human beings with varied life experiences, just like everyone else. The decision to have an abortion doesn’t always stem from trauma or turmoil either; sometimes it’s easy and simple. One is not unique because they had an abortion. An abortion does not define someone; it is one event in a person’s life.

We live in a society where most desired pregnancies (and those assumed to be desired), especially within the context of white heterosexual marriage, are celebrated, but the common experiences of infertility, unintended pregnancy, miscarriage, and especially abortion are kept secret.

religion is at the core of so many people’s sense of self and that one way to understand others is to try to understand their faith.

when people are faced with an unintended pregnancy, their thoughts are not always focused on the actual abortion itself. The focus is on what impact that pregnancy would have on the greater context of their lives.

Medicine can tell us when pregnancy begins and when a fetus is likely to be viable outside of the womb, but the concept of life is more abstract and varies depending on an individual’s belief.

The third principle, my favorite and the one that guides my work, is non-absolutism (anekantvada). This is the idea that a viewpoint cannot be 100 percent true; therefore, every viewpoint has to have at least some truth to it. This principle inherently encourages dialogue and harmony with other ideas, beliefs, and perspectives.

If the guiding principle in my life is non-absolutism, then my job as a physician is to acknowledge another person’s truth and recognize that our truths may not be synonymous.

Denying someone an abortion to make a statement about morality is ignoring the root cause of the issue.

Believe it or not, everyone knows and loves someone who has had an abortion.

Some find it hard to believe, but one in four women in America has an abortion in her lifetime (the study presented the data with reference to “women”).9 That means someone you know or someone you love has had one—even if they don’t talk about it. Most people don’t believe me when I tell them this statistic, but I emphasize that if people talked about abortion more, they would definitely believe it. Abortion is very common. Not understanding how common it is has contributed to the belief that it is shameful and rare.

the majority (61 percent) of people obtaining abortions are between the ages of twenty and twenty-nine.

more than six in ten of the women who have an abortion have had one or more children.

Abortion will always be accessible for affluent people, white people—even conservative ones—and those publicly fighting against abortion access. Politicians have taken access away from people of color, low-income people, people who cannot afford to lose work, and those who face consequences including parental retaliation and abuse. They have manipulated the complex emotions people have about life and personhood while fearing bodily autonomy to make abortion a polarizing tool to gain and hold onto political power.

Second, outside of sterilization, there is no method that is 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy. Even if contraception were freely available and accessible, we would still need to make abortion available and accessible to those who need it.

Being able to decide whether and when to have children allows for people to thrive. Access to contraception and abortion comes with multiple benefits: higher likelihood of being able to pursue educational goals, access to employment opportunities, and increased earning power, as well as narrowing the gender gap in pay.

The term “reproductive justice” was coined in 1994 by twelve Black women and defined as the human right to have children, to not have children, and to parent the children they have in a safe and sustainable environment. In 2007, this theory was expanded by these same women to include the right to sexual pleasure.

The road to that decision can sometimes be simple, and it can sometimes be very, very complicated. For many, it’s not a gut-wrenching deliberation—it’s a matter of survival. Because of the complexities in one’s life and the intersections of one’s identity, this idea of choice is more complicated than the term “pro-choice” can embody.

In 2019, Google Ads announced a new policy that requires advertisers wanting to run ads using keywords related to abortion to first be certified as a place that provides abortion to distinguish them from places that do not.4 While this was seen as a win, actual websites can still be difficult to discern as real or fake.

At the time, Whole Woman’s Health Alliance was an unassuming building on a busy interstate highway. A tan brick one-floor structure surrounded by the gnarled branches of hickory trees, it looked more like someone’s childhood home than a health center. Just next door is the Texas Rifle Association.

Forced ultrasounds and medically false information do not discourage patients—they just cause distress. Research has shown that those who were certain about their decision to have an abortion, which is most people, continued with the procedure whether they were shown the ultrasound image or not.

You know what doesn’t require a waiting period, though? The Texas Rifle Association, just next door.

Four states require parental consent before a child can receive sexual education in schools. In other words, teachers need for the parent/guardian to “opt in” for the student to participate. Thirty-four states, including New York, have an “opt-out” policy. With school oftentimes being the only venue for students to receive this vital information, opt-in policies can be harmful. Studies demonstrate that parents are overwhelmingly in support of sex education in schools.

many young people who plan on abstinence do not in fact remain abstinent.

While Rose didn’t need parental consent, she didn’t know this, and her care was delayed. Most abortions occur in the first trimester, but parental involvement affects this in a big way. The percentage of second trimester abortions had by adolescents increased in states such as Texas, Mississippi, Massachusetts, and Missouri in part because adolescents suspect pregnancy later than adults and because mandatory consent laws delay access to abortion.

New York did not have a residency requirement. In the first two years after decriminalization in New York, about 60 percent of the people having abortions there were not New York residents.

Some states prevent patients from receiving information about abortion as an option after their pregnancy is diagnosed with a fetal anomaly, and other states prevent abortion altogether in these circumstances.

While abortion is “the termination of a pregnancy,” this is not how abortion is often talked about in our culture, so the stigma and black-and-white debates around abortion don’t speak to the nuances of people’s experiences, beliefs, and families.

Some health centers participate in fetal tissues donation programs for research. In 2015, the Center for Medical Progress, an antiabortion organization, covertly filmed Planned Parenthood staff discussing the use of fetal tissue for scientific research. The videos were heavily altered to make it seem that Planned Parenthood profits from the sale of fetal tissue and put the organization under great scrutiny. David Daleiden, the main orchestrator of this scandal, was found guilty in a civil jury trial 2019. Fetal tissue can be incredibly useful for scientific research, but it has never been sold for profit or without consent from the patient.

Gwen said that when they really examined their decision, they realized that it wasn’t about ending a life, but that it was about providing the best medical care that they could. “And medical care is not always about saving a life, there are times when we ask families to choose to remove life support,” she said.

“Because I am active duty military and fall under a federally funded insurance, terminating the pregnancy was not something that was covered by our insurance,” Gwen said. She and Dave were impacted by the Hyde Amendment and Hyde-like restrictions. The language in the Hyde Amendment has been deeply influential; similar language has been used for other federal programs that pay for health care, including the military (through their health care plan called TRICARE), federal prisons, Indian Health Service (thus, limiting access for indigenous people), the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP), and the Peace Corps.

Even if the person has the ability to pay for the abortion, abortion care is not allowed in military facilities, so people have to travel to other countries or seek out care in the country where they are stationed, which can mean risking unsafe conditions.

But what physicians and health care providers like myself emphasize is that, when it comes to later abortion, it’s about supporting the pregnant person and providing them compassion and dignity. We have no idea where someone is coming from or what has put them in the position to have an abortion. We must trust that the person is doing what is best for them and their family.

What is recognized is that many people experience a range of emotions after an abortion. I have learned over the years that tears don’t mean uncertainty or regret.

There are studies that show pregnancy can be one of the most dangerous times in an intimate partner relationship, especially one that is already not healthy.

The antiabortion movement has strengthened these tensions by attempting to simplifying the issues through messaging: a fetus is a life, and ending a life is wrong. What people carrying a pregnancy understand through their experiences is that it is much more complicated than that.

somewhere along the way, a woman’s right to use birth control turned into a woman’s responsibility to use birth control, which is not fair and not inclusive.

In 1992, Planned Parenthood v Casey made it so that a person doesn’t have to notify the individual who got them pregnant about the abortion. However, in Arkansas, a bill was passed in 2017 that made it so the person who impregnated an individual had to give permission for that person to obtain an abortion.

So this raises the question: where are all the men at the marches holding up their signs that say, I HAD AN ABORTION, AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE? Katie emphasized that the male role in the discussion should go beyond allyship and support. “It’s great for a man to be an ally on ‘women’s issues’ or to women collectively. But an ally can walk away when the going gets tough, because it’s not really ‘your issue’ or your identity. What men need to realize is they are actual stakeholders. Government forced childbearing will mean that you will be a father against your will and the woman you love will be put through pregnancy and motherhood against her will.”