You're the Only One I've Told: The Stories Behind Abortion

by Meera Shah

I’ve always believed that the simple act of sharing stories is one of the most effective ways to influence, teach, and inspire change. Storytelling creates emotional connections between people.

Even if an individual can’t identify with another’s exact experience, there is usually some component of the story, even as small as the fleeting, universal emotions of fear or happiness, that can be shared and appreciated.

The burden of breaking down stigma should not only weigh on those who have had abortions. They should not have to teach us about who they are, what their lived experiences are like, and why they have come to their decision.

And, more important, when people are faced with an unintended pregnancy, their thoughts are not always focused on the actual abortion itself. The focus is on what impact that pregnancy would have on the greater context of their lives.

My father always believed that one should never have blind faith for religion, that faith should come after you’ve established a concrete understanding of the core principles that religion teaches.

I asked them to tell me how they felt about a patient having multiple abortions and not using contraception. The responses I received included “irresponsible” and “lazy.” I asked them if abortion was unsafe. They said no. Then why is it bad to have multiple abortions? Is it because abortion is bad? They said no as well. But they still couldn’t tell me why the idea of having multiple abortions didn’t sit well with them.

Denying someone an abortion to make a statement about morality is ignoring the root cause of the issue.

Abortion is very common. Not understanding how common it is has contributed to the belief that it is shameful and rare.

Their findings suggest that exposure to the stories of those who have had abortions can reduce abortion stigma.

Concerted attempts at banning abortion have been intense, and the media doesn’t help when they post confusing headlines about the status of abortion access in the United States.

Abortion and contraception won’t cure poverty. We have to address the critical issues of raising minimum wage, ensuring childcare, guaranteeing family leave, and addressing racism and implicit bias that continue to thwart economic opportunities.

What politicians don’t realize is that abortion won’t end just because they restrict it. Abortions will continue, and they will be forced to occur outside of the medical system.

Saying that abortion should be rare is dangerous and worsens stigma.

My patients don’t come to me with a political agenda, they come to me seeking health care.

In New York, I have patients tell me that they are pregnant and not ready to become a parent or don’t ever want to become a parent but genuinely have no idea if abortion is even legal in the United States.

In 2019, Google Ads announced a new policy that requires advertisers wanting to run ads using keywords related to abortion to first be certified as a place that provides abortion to distinguish them from places that do not.4

To be very clear, the facts are indisputable: according to the American Cancer Society, there is no scientific evidence that abortion increases the risk of breast cancer or any other cancer, for that matter.

The only purpose for waiting was that the state wanted her to “think about her decision” in hopes she would change her mind. As if she hadn’t been thinking about it for weeks already.

New York City says publicly that sex ed is ‘mandatory’ as part of required health ed class, but there is no written policy or regulation requiring it, no curriculum requirements, and no enforcement mechanism.

Other states that do mandate sex education in schools do not always mandate a medically accurate curriculum.

The percentage of second trimester abortions had by adolescents increased in states such as Texas, Mississippi, Massachusetts, and Missouri in part because adolescents suspect pregnancy later than adults and because mandatory consent laws delay access to abortion.

Black women are three to four times more likely to die from childbirth than white women.

In the first two years after decriminalization in New York, about 60 percent of the people having abortions there were not New York residents.

“How can I say I support women’s access to abortion, but then turn them away from my practice and say, ‘No, go to an abortion clinic’? I provide care that is ten times more complex, why would I not provide abortion care?” This is the question she asks of every family physician who believes in abortion access: “Why not provide?”

It’s been forty-seven years since Roe and my patients are often still struggling with these very same things.

An abortion at nineteen, Paige said, was the difference between the life and career she wanted and dropping out of school while being forever linked to a man who was awful to her.

Patients should not have to teach their providers how to take care of them; providers should understand the needs of the communities they are caring for.

Studies show that minorities prefer health care providers who look like them.

they “did not find the abortion to be associated with experiencing mental health issues, however, we did find that some of these women’s lives were filled with adversity and trauma” before they became pregnant.

“And so if I’m going to be a parent, then I want to make sure that this kid is loved. I don’t remember feeling loved. It’s very difficult for me to pinpoint acute moments of feeling loved in my childhood. I want to raise a kid who doesn’t grow up feeling neglected or lonely.”

But in fact, there is research that shows that people are more certain about their abortion than they are about any other medical procedure.14 And waiting periods don’t affect a person’s decision to continue with the abortion.

Abortion is health care. But there is no other form of health care that requires patients to face as many obstacles. The laws don’t dictate how we counsel patients before their knee surgery. The laws don’t make us lie to our patients before their colonoscopy.

Every pregnancy is unique, and we shouldn’t enforce arbitrary restrictions when someone’s health needs don’t follow the legislative timelines. Real life just doesn’t work that way.

For centuries, people have been managing their own abortions. Making abortion illegal and inaccessible doesn’t make them stop. They will continue to happen.

Emergency contraception will prevent a pregnancy from occurring, but will not end a pregnancy that has already occurred.

What I most commonly see is patients expressing situational regret. They regret the circumstances they were in that led to the unintended pregnancy—not the abortion itself.

One thing he recommends that men do is become more educated about what it means to be pregnant: what a pregnancy does to the body, how it impacts one’s life.

And somewhere along the way, a woman’s right to use birth control turned into a woman’s responsibility to use birth control, which is not fair and not inclusive.

I asked Mateo how often he’s been asked about contraception at his doctor’s office. “Never,” he said.

Women carry a biological burden of fertility that men will never have, and so women should have more reproductive autonomy.

It has become common to say “she had an abortion,” which removes the man with whom she created the pregnancy and who probably agrees with ending it, from our collective imagination. But Katie noted that people who decide to date, marry, or have sex often have similar life experiences and values.

We shouldn’t be surprised that people ending pregnancies are usually on the same page, and she describes these men as “abortion beneficiaries.”

A recent study shows that young men whose partners had an abortion are also more likely to reach their educational goals, such as graduate from college.

However, in the 2018 case National Institute of Family and Life Advocates v. Becerra, the Supreme Court ruled that fake health centers in California do not have to disclose exactly what services they do or do not provide. In other words, they are now not required to tell people about state-offered services, including contraception and abortion. And they no longer have to disclose with appropriate signage that they are not a state-licensed facility.