After the Rain: Gentle Reminders for Healing, Courage, and Self-Love

by Alexandra Elle

Even before I became a mother, I felt like a home, an overcrowded one. Heavy, at capacity, trying to fit the stories of others in my body. I felt fragmented by all the stories I held. So I searched for people who could fit my pieces together, like I was some sort of puzzle or mosaic art. I was on a quest for togetherness and acceptance. Somebody, anybody, see me, love me, please. There was no such thing as feeling complete and enough. My need for validation was rooted in my belief that I was born a broken girl. I didn’t know how to fix myself or find magic in the mess I was making, and I believed that in order to become whole, I needed someone else to put my pieces together. I learned self-validation along my journey, but not without failure and backtracking. Lessons are built through trial and error. As I crumbled time and time again, it became increasingly clear that a person who needs fixing can’t mend anyone, themselves included. Sharing myself when I was in pieces only led to more disarray, particularly on the dating front. I remember looking in the mirror at twenty-two, after my last failed situationship, and thinking, When have you ever been good enough and intact, for yourself? The answer was never. I was always counting on someone else to do that for me.