Everything, Everything

by Nicola Yoon

I’m alive and don’t want to be.

Loving someone as fiercely as my mom loves me must be like wearing your heart outside of your body with no skin, no bones, no nothing to protect it.

Love is a terrible thing and I want nothing to do with it.

You don’t exist if no one can see you.

I have no patience for books that pretend life has meaning. I have no patience for happy endings.

once lived a girl in a bubble who i suspected was nothing but trouble still i gave her my heart but she blew it apart and left me with nothing but rubble

And that’s when I know for sure. I am not sick and I never have been.

All the emotions I’ve held in check over the past twenty-four hours crash over me. Hope and despair, anticipation and regret, joy and anger. How is it possible to have an emotion and its opposite at the same time?

Who will I be if I’m not sick?

“What she did is not forgivable.”

“She took my whole life away from me.”

There’s even a version of my life without Olly in it. But not this one.