Let Them Be Kids: Adventure, Boredom, Innocence, and Other Gifts Children Need

by Jessica Smartt

Kids need to experience thrill, and they will, one way or another. You can either provide the space and example for healthy outlets, or they will find it in other ways.

Age-appropriate independence, with a hefty dose of “Wow, what a big kid you are now!” fulfills all sorts of needs inside of children. This is different from no supervision or just ignoring them to do whatever the heck they want. Rightful independence says, “I see you. I notice who you are, and what you’re capable of. This is a new challenge, and you’re up to it. I’ll be right over here if you need me.”

The most primary thing for you to remember is that nature heals and nurtures. Childhood is short. Take them outdoors.

As a Christian, I find it really helpful to pray. It has been my experience that God really hears these prayers for guidance with our kids, and he’ll provide answers when we ask.

Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another.

Mental white space helps you breathe. It’s space that inspires rest, calmness, creativity. You can think clearly. Boredom, free time, and unstructured life is that white space. It gives so many gifts to a child.

I will go a step further and say I really don’t think you can be a good friend without learning to be comfortable with boredom. Here is why: to be a true friend requires patience. It requires the ability to listen through a long story, to troubleshoot a problem that is not yours, to push through something you don’t feel like doing because someone you love does enjoy it. I agree that technology is incredible. In under a minute, we can order a chicken sandwich, stream a movie, or chat with a doctor. But we must not forget that patience is a gift, because no true friendship exists without it.

We sometimes feel that parenthood drags along mercilessly—that we will forever be making bottles or chicken nuggets or everyone hush up in the car. In fact, the reality is that these years are limited, and as my mom says, they begin snowballing after your kids start kindergarten, racing past you faster and faster until they’re gone in what feels like a blink of time. There are no magic moments that are more special than others. It all counts.

We must respect childhood and respect play.

Seventh grade can be oppressive and exhausting. Grown-ups are a welcome relief because it doesn’t matter that they’re not cool; actually, that is precisely the relief. When I hung out with Aunt Rebecca, she was deliciously different from the eleven-year-olds I was with all day long. And that in and of itself was a reality check. What I felt during school wasn’t the only thing that was real. There was a whole big world outside of that.

Realize your kids are not you. Work it out in your head that your kids aren’t a reflection of your own coolness or togetherness, and let them be who they are. Don’t ever allow them to have the power to embarrass you. You are you and they are them. This isn’t easy. It feels good when people tell you that your kids are cute or funny or nice or great at sports, and you can’t unfeel the internal satisfaction those comments bring. So it can be a bit of a fight to hold it loosely. Don’t bolster yourself or rely on affirmation. Yes, that’s the best way to say it; hold it very loosely. Your kids are their own little beings. What a tremendous gift you give them to mature and grow freely without you hovering above them at all junctures hoping they’re turning out to be specimens pleasing to everyone everywhere.

that vehicle of self-comparison, aka social media;

And, maybe most importantly, speak love and like and confidence into your kids. They so desperately need it.

Reading is like making friends with people who are vastly different from you. Your own empathy and gratitude are widened immensely.

How do you let your kids fail, exactly? You give them opportunities that stretch them. You don’t freak out when they spill something, break something, lose a game, or fail a test. You allow them to own up to what happened, and you respond with grace. And then you let them try again.5

Suffice it to say that the skills of looking people in the eye, opening doors for them, responding with full sentences, asking someone how they are, smiling at people—these things are crucial for a child to learn. It teaches them two things: 1. not to be self-centered 2. manners are essentially a way to be kind to others

I remember all of these words. I soaked them up. And I became them. Words are powerful, and even more so from the adults we look up to and love.

If your children are approaching middle school without a grounding sense of who they are, then they will find a group that tells them who they are.

Also, families need to like one another. Yes, not just love in an overarching, generic way but really and truly like one another. We tell one another that we are “okay” when we really and truly like and accept one another. Do all your kids know that you like them and you love them? Sometimes it’s work to like them, and I get that. (I can say this because I know it’s work to like me sometimes too.)

Kids can’t make those big decisions. Their little brains aren’t ready for that. Give them two choices, and then let them decide. The kids think they are being independent, but it’s happening in a way their little brains can manage.”1

This means two things for us parents: 1. Someone else has to be the grown-up. 2. That someone is you.

I am glad I knew the basics. I am glad I was able to pray. But they carried the heavy load, and mine was a smaller, child-sized load.

Adulthood comes soon enough, with all the responsibilities, decisions, sorrows, and burdens that it brings. Even if it seems as though kids want to decide everything, to know everything, to control everything, they don’t. So we take on that hard role. In the following essays I’m going to address four particular areas in which we can protect our kids and give them the sweet relief of knowing, “There is a grown-up around, and it is not me.”

I want to be a safe place for them to come. Guilt is a heavy burden to bear alone. Nearly impossible, in fact. Give your children the blessed relief of having a place to dump the heavy baggage of guilt and pick up forgiveness in its place. Be that person for them.

This means that in every moment when you are parenting, you are being parented. . . . In every moment when you feel alone, you are anything but alone because he goes wherever you go. . . . He never forgets you, he never turns his back on you, he never wanders away for a moment,

So I had to perform a tricky parental operation known as Back the Bus Up. I say, “Sorry, kids, I’ve been doing this wrong. We do not allow this (whatever it is) in our home.”

Unmet needs do not excuse awful behavior, but it is kind to understand if there is an underlying need. Is someone grumpy because they are hungry? Thirsty? Need a nap? Introverted and have seen enough people? Sad about losing that last game of Candy Land? Worried about a test tomorrow? Getting sick? Meet the need and then address the misbehavior. Often it will clear up anyway.