Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

The Offensive Brain Why does the brain do that? Why as we try our best throughout the day to act normal and pretend to be not weird, why is your brain always thinking of obnoxious comments that you could make? Rude behaviors, inappropriate actions that would only horrify, disturb and offend. Why? Where do these thoughts come from? “Why not trip this person carrying a large box that can’t quite see where they’re going?” Why does my brain present me with these options? “What if I stood up in this important meeting and made an outrageous sexual overture that would get me instantly fired?” Are you ever in the middle of a conversation with someone and think, “I could probably kill this guy right now. He’d never see it coming. He asked me to hand him a scissor. What if I took that scissor and stabbed him with it?” Why do I have suicide fantasies to go along with my homicide fantasies? I go over to someone’s place that has a terrace or a balcony. I always have to go out on it, look over the edge, and think, “Oh, I could fall right over this thing. Everybody here would freak out.” “Oh my god, he killed himself? I can’t believe it. … I was just about to stab him with a scissor.”