Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

Horseback I’ve gone horseback riding. Can’t do it. And they don’t give you the really good horses when you’re not good at it. I found that out. The guy says to me, “What level rider would you say that you are?” I said, “I don’t know. Zero. Nothing. Whatever the system is. I can’t do it. Is that clear enough for you? I’m going wherever the horse wants to go. That’s my ‘level’…” Of course after they hear that they start looking around… “All right… is Glue Stick back yet? How about Almost Dead? Why don’t you saddle him up?” So I get on this U-shaped, lightning-quick steed. I’ve got the only horse, you could put your feet flat on the ground while you’re riding him. “I’m riding a hammock here.” Looking up at my friends, “I don’t feel like we all got the same kind of horse here.” It is kind of a secure feeling, though. I could walk along with him if I wanted. And the horse wasn’t too thrilled with having me either. Because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. So he takes control. You know how they just stop sometimes? And they do that slow roll of their head to look up at you? Like, “Who the hell did I draw here…?” And they look at you with that huge black, brand-new-bowling-ball eye? “Chill out, Hopalong. I know the trail. I’m here every god damn day, okay? And I really appreciate the kicking while I’m taking a leak, too. Thanks a lot. That really improves the already wonderful life that I have. People either sitting on me. Jerking my head around. Or kicking me while I’m peein...