Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

What about the device dictatorship we live under now? Cowering in fear from our phones. “Where’s my phone? I need my phone. Can’t find my phone. Oh, here it is. I got it. I moved it from this pocket to this pocket. I wasn’t sure where it was for 1.5 seconds. But I’m okay now.” We are so hypno-phone-ified. You hand your phone to somebody now to show them something. After three seconds you’re like, (reaching out) “… Okay, you saw it… that’s it… give it back. I am completely off the grid right now!” You don’t know your cholesterol. You don’t know your blood pressure. But you know how much juice is in your phone. You know that number. I could ask anyone in this audience, “Tell me roughly, without looking, how much juice is in your phone right now?” You know it. I’m sitting on 25 backstage, I don’t feel that good I’ll be honest with you. Could be 15. I’m falling apart back there…! You used to think about your life. Now you think about your battery life. You have two lives you must maintain. And I don’t know which one is more important. If your phone dies, does it really matter if you’re still alive? Either way, that call is going straight to voicemail.