Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

I don’t like great. I’m looking for “Not bad.” “How’s the food over there?” “Not bad…” “That sounds great. Let’s just go there and get this over with.” If you go to a great restaurant, they’ve got to tell you the Specials. “Would you like to hear the Specials…?” “No. If they’re so Special, put them on the menu. I’m not interested in food that’s auditioning to get on the team.” I don’t understand all the words they use, anyway. “We’re going to pan-sear it, we’re going to herb-crust it. And then we’re going to drizzle it with something that’s a reduction of something else.” They’re always drizzling in these places. Stop drizzling. We can’t take the drizzling anymore. “Maybe if you didn’t reduce it so much, you wouldn’t have to drizzle it.” The meal takes two and a half hours. Your ass is hurting by the end of it. It’s not half as good as a bowl of Lucky Charms and Pepsi, anyway… The check always comes in that special book like it’s “The Story of the Bill.” Yeah, here’s the story: “Once upon a time, you got ripped.” That’s the story. You’re standing on the street afterwards with your friends, “Was that great…? I don’t know if it was great… Actually, I think it sucked. That great place sucked.” Then you go to a baseball game. You have a hot dog. The hot dog is cold. The bun is not toasted. The vendor is an ex-con in a work-release program. You do not care. You love that hot dog every time. Does it suck? Yes. Is it great? Yes. That’s how close they are. Sucks and Great are the ...