Is This Anything?

by Jerry Seinfeld

I was born in Brooklyn. We lived in the city. Then my parents decided they wanted to move out of the city and live on Long Island. You live IN the city. But if you decide to move out, you will be ON Long Island. You don’t live IN Long Island. You can’t get IN it. You just stay ON it. If you go to Jersey, you’ll say, “We’re OUT in Jersey. We’re OUT. We couldn’t make it in the city. Sometimes we go DOWN the shore. We’re DOWN and OUT.” My mother would say, “Jerry, get ready. We’re going IN the city today. We’re going IN. We’re going to get ON a train. And we’re going IN the city.” You don’t get IN the train. You get ON it. Even though, you see trains… There’s nobody on the trains. They’re inside the trains. But in New York we don’t talk like that. We get ON the train. Why do we get ON the train? So we can get OFF it. “Get OFF the train. This is our stop. This is where we get OFF. We’ve got to get OFF. So that we can get IN the cab.” We got ON the train. But we get IN the cab. We do not get ON the cab. Why do we get IN the cab? So we can get OUT. “Get OUT of the cab. We’re here. Get OUT.” Now we have UBER, that’s the new thing. What do we do with that? We don’t get ON it. We don’t get OFF it. We don’t get IN it. What do we do? We TAKE it. We TAKE UBER. Because there’s no money. Nobody understands how it works. People ask you, “How did you get here?” “I don’t know. We just TOOK an UBER…” It’s like M&M’s in a bowl. You just take them. “There was a little cartoon car on my phone....