Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again

by Lysa TerKeurst

I can’t always see what’s inside my heart, but I can listen to what spills out.

THERE IS A HEALED VERSION OF ME THAT IS WAITING AND WANTING TO EMERGE. I am capable of letting go of my proof. Proof only keeps me trapped in the place where the pain occurred, so I keep getting hurt over and over again. I will reject the seduction of nursing my grudges, and I will stop assuming God didn’t intervene to help me. Instead of running away I will run to God when I need help. Perspective is what I’m holding on to and what I’m carrying from here. I have collected the dots. Connected the dots. And corrected the dots. Now I am choosing to believe God’s most merciful outcome is the one I’m living. I’m not a victim. I am a healed woman walking in victory.

Today is the day that you start to let go of all the frustrations and fears and fragments of half-truths and flat-out lies the enemy worked really hard to get you to believe. Sort out what’s true from all that’s deceiving. You don’t need to tidy up your words for God. You just need to pour it all out. Open the case files and examine the proof—not to use against others but to see it all in light of God’s truth. Let Him reveal what you need to learn from all this and take the lessons with you . . . but don’t weaponize your pain against others. God is with you. He is the judge. He is your defender—the only one who can rescue and help you. Remember: resentful proof locked inside of you never exercised justice. It never made someone else change or righted a wrong. It never made someone repent for all they’d done. It only hurt you and imprisoned you behind the label of victim. It’s like sitting in the debris of a demolished building, refusing to let any of it be carried away. “No!” you cry. “I must hold on to this shattered glass and these broken bricks, the framing all twisted and toppled like sticks.” It must be seen for what it is: evidence of an ending. But once acknowledged and cleared of harmful debris, this same place is good ground for a beautiful rebuilding. That collected proof is not a treasure, nor is it a souvenir proving the hard place you’ve traveled to or your secret weapon of justice. It’s debris. Though you believe it’s protecting you and making your world bett...

See if any of these unchangeable situations resonate with you: •When someone takes something I will never get back. •When I have to face not just the end of this relationship but the end of all the dreams and future plans that were attached to this person. •When the hurt is so great to me but the one who hurt me acts like it was no big deal. •When the pain seems never-ending. •When the outcome seems so final I can’t get my bearings for how to go on. •When they hurt not just me but my whole family. •When the reminders of the pain never end, because I still do life with the one who hurt me. •When they destroyed my character. •When they ruined an opportunity I’d worked my whole life for. •When they took the life of someone I loved. •When they hurt me so deeply and wounded me so gravely, I fear I’ll never feel normal again.

And even if you did decide to forgive, how do you forgive when the ones who hurt you can’t or aren’t willing to cooperate? Maybe they refuse to stop bad behaviors. Maybe they are no longer alive. Or you don’t know where they are. Or to contact them would be dangerous or hurtful. Or you’re afraid they would then expect a restored relationship that’s not possible on your end. Or they wouldn’t be willing to cooperate in the forgiveness process. Or to speak words of forgiveness directly to them would stir up chaos because they don’t think they need to be forgiven.

I understand all these questions, because I’ve asked them and wrestled through them myself. And while I will be the first in line to raise my hand and admit forgiveness is a hard step to take, it’s also the only step that leads to anything good. Every other choice—including the choice not to do anything and remain where we are—just adds more hurt upon hurt. But how do we even position ourselves to forgive? Here are a few truths I’ve been learning to hang on to in my heart when I’m struggling to step toward forgiveness:

1. FORGIVENESS IS MORE SATISFYING THAN REVENGE.

Forgiveness doesn’t let the other person off the hook. It actually places them in God’s hands. And then, as you walk through the forgiveness process, it softens your heart. Over time, I’ve discovered a softening inside of me that truly desires for no more hurt to occur at all . . . not for them, not for me, not for any of the others involved. I just want peace. The peace from forgiveness is more satisfying than revenge.

OUR GOD IS NOT A DO-NOTHING GOD.

But we don’t serve a do-nothing God. He is always working. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of Joseph. He walked through years of rejection, false accusation, wrongful imprisonment, and seemingly was forgotten . . . but with God, there is always a meanwhile. God was bringing about something only He could do with the circumstances before Joseph. He was positioning Joseph and preparing him to be used to help save the lives of millions of people during a famine that would have otherwise destroyed multiple nations. God is always doing something.

Sin always masquerades as fun and games. But pull back the curtain of the deceived human heart, and what you’ll find hiding there will drive you to your knees to pray for that person. And maybe that’s the very reason God instructs us to pray for our enemies. Job 15:20 reminds us, “The wicked man writhes in pain all his days” (ESV). And Psalm 44:15 says, “All day long my dishonor is before me and my humiliation has overwhelmed me” (NASB).

Sin, as Augustine says, “becomes the punishment of sin.”1 But never forget God is there in the midst of it all. No matter how good someone makes sinful choices seem, that isn’t the complete story. God knows the full truth. With Art, God wasn’t just trying to change his behavior. He was rescuing his soul. There was never one moment when God was doing nothing.

3. YOUR OFFENDER IS ALSO SUFFERING FROM PAIN.

It’s very hard to truly forgive someone without compassion. And it’s very hard to have compassion for someone who’s shown you no compassion at all. So, instead of starting at the place of trying to have compassion for someone who has hurt you, start with having compassion for the pain they had to experience in order to make the choices they made. The one who causes pain is in pain. I don’t have to know anything about their wounding to know that hurt exists. At some point, someone brutalized their innocence. Or made them feel terrified, tossed aside, beaten down, invisible, unseen, unwanted, or shamed. Chances are, it was a combination of several of those feelings. I will often picture the one who hurt me as a small child, desperate for someone to have compassion for them. If I can have compassion for their pain, I can have compassion enough to help my forgiveness be genuine.

One of the people who hurt me most appeared to have had a perfect life. There was no apparent abuse, neglect, or hardship of any kind. But what appeared to be perfect was filled with secret pain. And when I found out about it, I cried. For their pain. For my pain. For the fact that no human gets through life without being deeply, deeply hurt at some point. Grief finds all of us.

4. THE PURPOSE OF FORGIVENESS IS NOT ALWAYS RECONCILIATION.

In some cases, keeping the relationship going is simply not an option. But that doesn’t mean forgiveness is not an option. And even when reconciliation is possible, there is a lot of relationship work that must be done in the process of coming back together. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that trust is immediately restored or that hard relational dynamics are instantly fixed. The point of forgiveness is to keep your heart swept clean, cooperating with God’s command to forgive and keeping yourself in a position to be able to receive God’s forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t always fix relationships, but it does help mend the hurting heart.

5. THE ENEMY IS THE REAL VILLAIN.

Yes, people do have a choice to sin against us or not. And certainly, when we are hurt the person hurting us willingly played into the enemy’s plan. But it helps me to remember that this person isn’t my real enemy. The devil is real and on an all-out assault against all things good and real. He hates the word together. And he especially works with great intentionality against anything that brings honor and glory to God. But we are told in Scripture that we can take a stand against the schemes of the enemy.

In Ephesians 6:11 that word can in the original Greek form is dynasthai, meaning “I am powerful—I have the power.”2 We aren’t powerless when the enemy stirs up trouble among us. The secret is to be aware of this. The power is not in question. But our awareness of it often rises and falls on our willingness to do what God’s Word says to do in times of conflict. Excuse me while I seriously flinch. This steps on my toes so much. It’s often when I don’t want to live out God’s Word with another person tha...

And with that I sigh with relief that undeniable truth getting added into my perspective makes even the unchangeable, forgivable. None of this is simple. These aren’t truths to simply read through. This we must sit with. And sit in. Until we can dare to walk in it. Live it out. And maybe even one day declare it as a truth we’ve decided to own.

There is nothing more powerful than a person living what God’s Word teaches.

As you consider these questions, you may find it helpful to process them with a trusted godly mentor or Christian counselor. These questions to consider aren’t to further complicate your relational dynamics. Instead, these are meant to help identify where we are dancing with dysfunction. Toxic realities in relationships will not tame themselves. We cannot ignore them into health. Nor can we badger them into a better place. We have to get honest about the hardships that are complicating and probably preventing the kind of health we not only want but need for some of our relationships to survive.

It’s for the sake of your sanity that you draw necessary boundaries. It’s for the sake of stability that you stay consistent with those boundaries.

Remember This When Setting Boundaries: •My counselor says, “Adults inform, children explain.” I will state my boundaries with compassion and clarity. But I will not negotiate excuses or navigate exceptions with lengthy explanations that wear me down emotionally. •I can mute someone’s social media account that triggers unhealthy reactions when I see them. This may be a better first step than unfollowing them . . . but if unfollowing is more appropriate, then I can make that choice. •I will not sweep lies under the rug or help another person cover up their bad behaviors. I will clearly communicate what my parameters are around this type of behavior that diminishes my ability to trust. •I can say no. I must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please. •I can be honest about what I can and cannot give. It doesn’t make me a bad person to communicate the reality of my capacity. Dysfunction diminishes my capacity in every area. Boundaries increase my ability to function with more regularity within the capacity I have. •When I sense their actions are constantly having a negative impact on my mood and reactions, I can reduce their access to my most vulnerable emotions and limited resources. I’m not just doing this for myself; I am also doing this for the other people I do life with. It is unfair for someone who isn’t respecting my boundaries to constantly send me into a funk and risk me taking it out on others. •I can choose not to engage in conversations that encour...

What makes faith fall apart isn’t doubt. It’s becoming too certain of the wrong things.

But what if our requests, though completely logical and reasonable, aren’t what we think they are? Yes, from an earthly perspective, they are exactly what makes sense. But what if God sees things we can’t possibly see? What if, from His perspective, what we are asking for is not at all what we’d want if we could see everything from His complete, eternal, perfect vantage point? What if I’ve been thinking of this all wrong?

When I think about prayer requests, I think of what I “hope” God will do . . . not what “has been done” for today. The reason I miss seeing what I’m living today as the answer to my prayers is that very often, maybe even always, it’s not what I thought it would be. God’s answers don’t look like what I have pictured so clearly in my mind.

At times I’ve seen my prayers as wishful requests that feel good to make but deep down I know are not very likely to happen. Like throwing a penny in a fountain or thinking of my deepest desire just before blowing out my birthday candles. I keep doing it but truly expect very little. Or, I’ve looked at prayers like Amazon Prime deliveries. I want what’s delivered to look like what I expected and to arrive in record time. The answer will be delivered to my front door right away, and I feel so close to God because He did what I wanted! But there’s something too human and predictable about that being the way prayer actually works. Then my prayers become orders I place, the answers as cheap as products, and the sender nothing more than a far-removed entity I give little thought to until I need something else.