Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again

by Lysa TerKeurst

DO YOU EVER FIND yourself defining life by before and after the deep hurt? The horrific season. The conversation that stunned you. The shocking day of discovery. The stunning call about the accident. The divorce. The suicide. The wrongful death so unfathomable you still can’t believe they are gone. The malpractice. The breakup. The day your friend walked away. The hateful conversation. The remark that seems to now be branded on your soul.

The taking of something that should have been yours. The brutality unleashed on the one you love. The email you weren’t supposed to see. The manipulation. The violation. The false accusation. The theft. The fire. The firing. The day everything changed. That marked moment in time.

Like your own personal BC and AD, which usually mean Before Christ and Anno Domini. This dating was intended to indicate a turning point in history—the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Christ. When we have personal marked moments in our ...

It’s a line in time. One that’s so sharply drawn across your reality, it not only divides your life, it splits open your memory bank and defiles it. Pictures of the past are some of our most priceless treasures, until they become painful reminders of what no longer is. And when your phone randomly sends those memory m...

This isn’t a judgment against them. I don’t know all the facts of what happened. And I’m not qualified to be their judge, but I can be a witness for your pain. Your pain is real. And so is mine. So, if no one has acknowledged this with you, I will.

But, friend, can I whisper something I’m learning? Staying here, blaming them, and forever defining your life by what they did will only increase the pain. Worse, it will keep projecting out onto others. The more our pain consumes us, the more it will control us. And sadly, it’s those who least deserve to be hurt whom our unresolved pain will hurt the most. That person or people—they’ve caused enough pain for you, for me, and for those around us. There’s been enough damage done. They’ve taken enough. You don’t have to hand over what was precious and priceless to you and deem all the memories as hurtful. You get to decide how you’ll move forward.

A few years ago when my marriage imploded, I didn’t think I had a say-so in keeping memories that were precious to me. I thought my marriage was over; therefore, my life had to be edited both going forward and backward. I went through the entire house and removed all ...

tried to untangle my life from anything that reminded me of what once was, because, well, because I didn’t know what else to do. But completely sterilizing my life from the physical presence of reminders didn’t remove the pain. You can’t edit reality to try and for...

But you can decide that the one who hurt you doesn’t get to decide what you do with your memories. Your life can be a graceful combination of beautiful and painful. You don’t have to put either d...

Maybe that’s part of what’s hard about moving on: the letting go. But what if it’s possible to let go of what we must but still carry with us what is beautiful and meaningful and true to us? And maybe this less-severe version of moving on is what will ease us to a place of forgiveness. There’s been enough trauma. So, because I don’...

holding on to offenses does to us and where the cruel soldiers of unforgiveness will always lead us: to isolation . . . to the emotional darkness of broken relationships . . . to spiritual darkness with heaped-on shame . . . and to a darkened outlook where we are unable to see the beauty that awaits just beyond the parking lot.

What if I’d been able to release the offense and move forward that day at the beach? What if I could do that now? The ability to see beautiful again is what I want for you and for me. Forgiveness is the weapon. Our choices moving forward are the battlefield. Moving on is the journey. Being released from that heavy feeling is the reward. Regaining the possibility of trust and closeness is the sweet victory. And walking confidently with the Lord from hurt to healing is the freedom that awaits.

But while it will offer truckloads of grace, it is fueled with God’s truth. After all, grace gives us the assurance that it’s safe enough to soften our fearful hearts, but it is the truth that will set us free (John 8:32). Grace and truth are kept together throughout Scripture (John 1:14, 17).

If I only offered you grace, I would be shortchanging you on what it truly takes to heal. While the truth is sometimes hard to hear, God gives it to us because He knows what our hearts and souls really need. It is His truth that sets us free. Forgiveness is possible, but it won’t always feel possible.

Forgiveness often feels like one of the most maddening instructions from the Lord. It’s a double-edged word, isn’t it? It’s hard to give. It’s amazing to get. But when we receive it freely from the Lord and refuse...

authentically give the kind of forgiveness Jesus has given me. My ability to forgive others rises and falls, instead, on this: leaning into what Jesus has already done, which allows His grace for me to flow freely through me (Ephesians 4:7). Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation. Cooperation is what I’ve been missing.

God knew we couldn’t do it on our own. He knew that full well, right from the very moment the crunch of the forbidden fruit became sin’s first sounds. And then came the hiss of the enemy’s accusations and the pounding footsteps of a terrified man and woman. Adam and Eve ran to the darkness as blame and shame reverberated with echoes we still hear coming out of our mouths today. Then, they hid.

Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.

As soon as sin was their choice, the cover of darkness became their preference. And please be patient as I type these next words. It’s not just when I do something wrong that I find myself running and hiding in the darkness. It’s also when I do the very opposite of what I should in reaction to someone who sins against me, wrongs me, hurts me, or even just inconveniences me. My first inclination most of the time isn’t to bless them. Or to be patient with them. Or to be all things Romans 12 and give them a Happy Meal and a chocolate milkshake.

Human hearts are so very prone to want to cover things up. We all have that place we run to where it is dark rather than risk what may come out in the light. We want freedom but are resistant to simply do what God says to do. God knew all of this.

So He made a way not dependent on our strength. A forgiving way. A way to grab on to Jesus’ outstretched arms, bloody from crucifixion and dripping with redemption. He covers and forgives what we’ve only been able to hide. He forgives what we could never be good enough to make right. And makes a way for us to simply cooperate with His work of forgiveness—for us to receive and for us to give.

believe with all my heart forgiveness received and given is the very thing that splits this world open with the most stunning revelation of the reality...

And you and I can forgive, even if the relationship never gets restored. It’s so incredibly freeing to forgive and not have to wait on other people who may or may not ever want to or be willing to talk all of this through. Forgiveness isn’t always about doing something for a human relationship but rather about being obedient to what God has instructed us to do.

Those who cooperate most fully with forgiveness are those who dance most freely in the beauty of redemption. And what exactly is this beautiful redemption? It is you accepting the exchange God is offering. WHAT YOU GIVE UP: the right to demand that the one who hurt you pay you back or be made to suffer for what they’ve done. God will handle this. And even if you never see how God handles it, you know He will. WHAT YOU GET: the freedom to move on.

Take God’s hand, and, as the words of forgiveness are released from your lips, it’s like scattering seeds of beautiful flowers.

For a while, you may still have tears that come and go. That’s okay. Freedom from unforgiveness doesn’t mean instant healing for all the emotions involved. But it does mean those emotions will turn into eventual compassion rather than bitterness. And you’ll see . . . those who cooperate most fully with forgiveness really are those who dance most freely in the beauty of redemption.

After more than one thousand hours of studying this topic in the Bible, I can’t say all my questions have been answered. Nor can I promise this is easy. But I can tell you the Bible offers the truth about forgiveness that our souls desperately need. And, best of all, God Himself modeled how to do this even when it feels so very impossible.

God’s Word offers forgiveness with skin on. Sinless Jesus, absolute divinity and complete humanity, was afflicted and rejected, beaten and humiliated, spit upon and devalued on every level. Enduring it all so we would never have to endure one minute of our suffering alone. He came for us with forgiveness pulsing through the very blood He would one day shed. He wouldn’t allow forgiveness to be shoved away with human justifications. For in the very instance we think we have landed on the forgiveness limitation, Jesus blows it apart with His multiplication (seventy times seven) and His declaration that we must not entertain unforgiveness when we have been so very forgiven by God Himself.

Forgiveness is a command. But it is not cruel. It is God’s divine mercy for human hearts that are so ...

You can still forgive even if you can’t forget. We are instructed to let go of what’s behind us so we can move forward without the weight of bitterness, resentment, anger, and unforgiveness. But forgetting? The only place that’s mentioned in the Bible is connected to God forgiving us of our sins: “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12 ESV).

Eventually, here’s what I had to ask myself: Am I processing life through the lens of the way I want it to be or the way it actually is? Coping mechanisms, like being overly positive or hyperspiritual or using substances to numb out, may get us through the short term. But in the long run they don’t help us cope; they keep us stuck at the point of our unhealed pain.

some point we must stop: •Replaying what happened over and over. •Taking what was actually terrible in the past and tricking ourselves into thinking it was better than it was. •Imagining the way things should be so much that we can’t acknowledge what is. We can’t live in an alternate reality and expect what’s right in front of us to get better. We can only heal what we’re willing to acknowledge is real.

C. S. Lewis wrote, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”1

forgiveness is possible. And it is good. Your heart is much too beautiful a place for unhealed pain. Your soul is much too deserving of freedom to stay stuck here. Forgiveness is not adding on top of your pain a misery too great to bear. It is exchanging bound-up resentment for a life-giving freedom, thus making the mystery of the workings of God too great to deny.

When the pain is so deeply personal, it’s hard for my reactions to stay biblical. It’s hard not to eventually lose it when hurt just keeps getting added onto hurt. But I can also tell you something I’ve seen with my own eyes that’s more astonishing than what I can possibly express through pixelated letters on a printed page. When someone, by the power of the Spirit of God, overrides the resistance of the flesh and the pull of unforgiveness, it’s shocking. It’s one of the rarest moments in the lives of everyone looking on. It’s when you get to see with your physical eyes evidence of the Spirit of God as real as if you can touch it. It is a moment no one forgets.

When this world—so saturated with flesh resenting flesh, hearts hating hearts, fists slamming fists, pride rising against pride—suddenly sees someone dropping their sword and daring to whisper, “I forgive” . . . IT STOPS ALL. In the split second of that utterance, evil is arrested, heaven touches earth, and the richest evidence of the truth of the gospel reverberates not just that day but for generations to come. While salvation is what brings the flesh of a human into perfect alignment with the Spirit of God, forgiveness is the greatest evidence that the Truth of God lives in us. And none who sees this can walk away unaffected.

Is This Even Survivable? Forgiveness is a complicated grace that uncomplicates my blinding pain and helps me see beautiful again.

wish I could say I turned it all around after that. I didn’t. I let the triggered emotion settle in and become a bad mood for the rest of the day. And all the people around me who didn’t deserve to catch the brunt of my chaos felt the completely unsettled state of my heart. Now I wasn’t just the one who was hurt. Now I was the one causing hurt in others. And that’s what left me seething with the most painful of all lies hooked into my soul: They did this to me. They made me feel this way. They made me act this way. They have written into my life a script of horrific sorrow from which I’ll never escape, never truly heal from, and can’t ever possibly forgive.

wondering, Is this even survivable? I pulled my journal back out. I didn’t rip out the forgiveness quote I’d written. Instead, I wrote a narrative to negate it. It’s all so cruel. And seemingly impossible to get over. I’ve read the Bible verses. I know God’s instruction by heart—forgive and you will be forgiven. But I can’t process how to apply this right now. I’ve tried. I said the words of forgiveness I was supposed to say. So, why does this kind of anger still circle around in my heart, take over my best intentions, and fly out of my mouth? Forgiveness didn’t seem to work for me. So please don’t ask me to forgive like Jesus forgives. I’m not Jesus.

Unresolved pain triggers unrestrained chaos.

So might you dare to whisper along with me, Today is the day it stops. Say it with me. Today is my day to stop the grim, hopeless pursuit of expecting the other person to make this right so that I can receive the glorious hope-filled possibilities of this new day.

What we look for is what we will see. What we see determines our perspective. And our perspective becomes our reality.

That’s the multiplying effect of making the choice to look for something—you’ll start to see it more and more. In the case of hope, the more you see evidence of it, the more assured you’ll be that it’s there. When you are assured it’s there, a new perspective forms. And even better, this new perspective becomes a new reality.

Jesus had compassion. Jesus had the power. Jesus didn’t make healing contingent on other people doing or owning anything.

“For me to move forward, for me to see beyond this current darkness, is between me and the Lord. I don’t need to wait on others to do anything or place blame or shame that won’t do anyone any good. I simply must obey whatever God is asking of me right now. God has given me a new way to walk. And God has given me a new way to see. It’s forgiveness. And it is beautiful.”

I have to place my healing in the Lord’s hands. I need to focus on what I can do to step toward Him in obedience. And forgiveness is what He’s asking of me.

I must separate my healing from others’ repentance or lack thereof. My ability to heal cannot be conditional on them wanting my forgiveness but only on my willingness to give it. And I have to separate my healing from any of this being fair. My ability to heal cannot be conditional on the other person receiving adequate consequences for their disobedience but onl...

can heal. I can forgive. I can trust God. And none of those beautiful realities are held hostage by another person. Healing will take time. But I must move forward toward it if I ever hope to get there. And forgiveness is a go...

My ability to heal cannot be conditional on them wanting my forgiveness but only on my willingness to give it.

Hebrews 13 says it this way: For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come. Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name. And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God. . . . Now may the God of peace— who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood— may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. (vv. 14–16, 20–21 NLT)