Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again

by Lysa TerKeurst

Leaving room for God to work on them. Praying for the mercy of God. Seeking the face of God. Knowing the goodness of God. Living in the presence of God.

Confession breaks the cycle of chaos inside of me. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of chaos between us.

Jesus didn’t just model forgiveness when He taught us to pray. It was the message of His life. And it was the declaration of His death as He uttered, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” But even more, it is the proclamation of every saved soul: “I am forgiven. Therefore, I must forgive.”

THIS IS FORGIVENESS: Making the decision that the ones who hurt you no longer get to limit you, label you, or project the lies they believe about themselves onto you.

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. (Hebrews 12:14–15)

Sometimes what hinders us from wanting to forgive is that we feel like we are the good ones. We are the ones who followed the rules, did what was expected of us, and made good choices . . . yet we got hurt because the other person didn’t make good choices. But only God knows the whole story of everything our offender has suffered that got them into such a bad place to make the choices they made. That’s not an excuse for what they did. And, trust me, I know to write this, because I myself have struggled through this and discovered something that’s not fun: if we feel we are better than someone else, it will be almost impossible to forgive them. However, if we remember we have been forgiven of much, we will be more likely to forgive much. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Matthew 7:1–2)

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.3 2.Many codependents place a lower priority on their own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer, or community relationships.4 3.Sometimes an individual can, in attempts to recover from codependency, go from being overly passive or overly giving to being overly aggressive or excessively selfish.5 Many therapists maintain that finding a balance through healthy assertiveness (which leaves room for being a caring person and also engaging in healthy caring behavior) is true recovery from codependency and that becoming extremely selfish, a bully, or an otherwise conflict-addicted person is not.6