Broken (in the best possible way)

by Jenny Lawson

LIFE IS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE … It’s hard and sweaty and surprisingly tough on your genitals. Also, you’re going to fall a lot.

AIM HIGH … Because your blow dart will lose altitude over the distance to your enemies and you need to account for that. Also wind direction.

“There should be divorce reveals,” I said. “Like when people reveal that they’re pregnant and they make a crazy video or they reveal the genitals of the baby by cutting into a cake that’s either penis or vagina.” (Clarification: The penis cake is blue. The vagina cake is pink. It’s not a cake made of penises and vaginas. It’s made of food coloring and far too much trust in your cake decorator. Once I picked up Hailey’s fifth-birthday cake and for some reason it said “HAPPY GRADUATION” on it. I told her it was because she’d graduated to the next year and she was fine, but what if the decorator fucks up your genital cake? What if the cake is yellow? What does that mean? We’re going to buy a dog? We ran out of food coloring? We stopped placing gender stereotypes on babies based on baked goods?)

Editor: There’s no hyphen in the word “douchecanoe.” Me: Nope. You are wrong and I am willing to die on this hill. DON’T MAKE ME FLIP THIS TABLE.