Broken (in the best possible way)

by Jenny Lawson

I should exercise more, but why should I trust these magazines since they have a vested interest in making me buy them? I don’t buy them though. I steal them from my shrink’s office, because these magazines make you feel bad about yourself and most of us don’t need any help with that, so technically I’m saving people from articles like the one I just read about kegeling. Apparently, I’m supposed to be kegeling all the time to “lift my pelvic floor,” and that’s ridiculous because now I’m supposed to be exercising a part of me that people don’t even see? This is an obvious scam. Next they’ll be telling you to make your pituitary gland do squats or flex your testicles. Honestly, I’m not even sure why you would want to lift your pelvic floor, because if your pelvis gets higher the only place it could go is up into your stomach, so basically you just shrunk your torso, which makes you look even thicker, and now you start to buy the magazines out of desperation because your tough new vagina accidentally made you look fat.