Broken (in the best possible way)

by Jenny Lawson

Considering all the famous people who’ve been cremated and dumped into the wind, I’ve probably breathed some of them in. Which is sort of rock and roll if you look at them like cocaine, but they’re not cocaine, they’re corpses who shouldn’t be inhaled. It’s more like a famous person entering your body without your permission, and I think that means I’ve had unprotected sex with famous people through my nose holes, which are the worst holes to have sex in. Plus, what if it’s someone who was really promiscuous? Now I’ve been with everyone they’ve been with. Unless you start over again after cremation? But even so, if they’re all invading everyone’s nose holes, then it’s like I not only had nostril intercourse with a famous person, but I also had nostril intercourse with everyone else who breathed them in. Unless they ended up in a Kleenex. I wonder how many ashes just end up in Kleenexes. Probably lots. They should advertise that. Kleenex, I mean. Not cremation. “You’ll end up in a nose hole” is a terrible tagline. But maybe: “Kleenex: Now with aloe to cradle the corpses you exorcise from your nose.” (Needs work maybe.)