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No one grows with criticism. So eliminate it. No criticism. None, ever.
We do this for others, but most of all for ourselves, so we can live free of unrealistic expectations, and free of the anger that comes when our expectations are not met. I’m very selective about who’s going to get my anger, because when I’m angry, I’m the one who suffers.
Unhealthy conflict has everything to do with being locked in a better-tha...
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Many of us live as though we have something to prove. We can become addicted to having the last word. But if you’re trying to prove that you’re right or you’re good, you’re trying to make yourself into something that doesn’t exist. Every human is fallible. Every human makes mistakes. You’re not helpless—and you’re not a saint, either. You don’t have to prove your worth. You can just embrace it, celebrate that you’re imperfect and whole, that there will never be another you.
It takes two to fight. But it takes one to stop. So don’t pick up the rope. Tell yourself, “The more he talks, the more relaxed I become.” And remind yourself that it’s not personal.
“Honey,” I told her, “you can be dead right—and you’re still dead. So do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?”
The best way to let go of the need for control is to become powerful. Power has nothing to do with brawn or domination. It means you have the strength to respond instead of react, to take charge of your life, to have total ownership of your choices. You are powerful because you’re not giving your power away. If you take back your power and still want to be right, then choose to be kind, because kindness is always right.
Develop the mental range of motion that keeps you free.
The biggest disruptor of intimacy is low-level, chronic anger and irritation.
When we’re angry, it’s often because there’s a gap between our expectations and reality. We think it’s the other person who’s trapping and aggravating us—but the real prison is our unrealistic expectations.
Falling in love is a chemical high. It feels amazing—and it’s temporary. When the feeling fades, we’re left with a lost dream, with a sense of loss over the partner or relationship we never had in the first place.
But love isn’t what you feel. It’s what you do.
There’s no going back to the early days of a relationship, to the time before you became angry and disappointed and cut off. There’s something...
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Many of us didn’t have the loving and caring parents we desired and deserved. Maybe they were preoccupied, angry, worried, depressed.
they weren’t always responsive to our needs for attention and affection.
Maybe they didn’t pick us up and say, “We always wanted a child just like you.”
Grief helps us face and ultimately release what happened or didn’t happen.
“Would you like to be married to you?” I asked.
Only you can decide if a relationship depletes or empowers you. But it’s not a question to answer quickly. You can’t know the truth about your relationships until you deal with your own wounds, until you bury and leave behind all the things from the past you’re still dragging around.
“Your husband is getting your anger,”
“But maybe he’s not the one you’re really angry with.”
Honey, you’re going to be fifty anyway—or thirty or sixty or ninety. So you might as well take a risk. Do something you’ve never done before. Change is synonymous with growth. To grow, you’ve got to evolve instead of revolve.
Times are changing, and we are changing with the times. We aren’t stuck in the past, or stuck in our old patterns and behaviors. We’re here now, in the present, and it’s up to us what we hold on to, what we let go, and what we reach for.
When we say “I can’t,” what we’re really saying is “I won’t.” I won’t accept it. I won’t believe. I won’t escape the fear. I won’t stop policing and monitoring him.
“You said you’re trying to live in the present,” I said. “But trying is lying. You’re either doing it or you’re not.” If you say, “I’m trying,” you don’t actually have to do it. You let yourself off the hook. “It’s time to stop trying and start doing.”
Listen for the I can’t, the I’m trying, the I need to, and then see if you can replace these imprisoning phrases with something else: I can, I want, I’m willing, I choose. This is the language that empowers us to change.
I’m all for positive thinking, but it goes nowhere unless it’s followed by positive action.
“Is this my fear? Or someone else’s?” If the fear really belongs to your mother or father or grandparent or spouse, you don’t have to carry it anymore. Just put it down. Release your hold. Leave it behind.
It’s not that we make our fears go away. We don’t let them dominate. We invite the other voices in the room to do some talking. And then we do something. We take charge. We ask for help.
Often when we’re stuck it’s not that we don’t know what to do. It’s that we’re afraid we won’t do it well enough. We’re self-critical. We hold high standards. We want others’ approval—most of all, our own—and think we can earn it by being Superman or Superwoman. But if you’re perfectionistic, you’re going to procrastinate, because perfect means never. Here’s another way to think about it. If you’re perfectionistic, you’re competing with God.
human. You’re going to make mistakes. Don’t try to beat God, because...
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It doesn’t take courage to strive for perfection. It takes courage to be average. To say, “I’m okay with me.” To s...
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It’s a profoundly human question: To be or not to be? I hope you always choose to be. You’re going to be dead anyway someday, and you’ll be dead for a very long time. Why not become curious? Why not see what this life has to offer you?
“I’m trying” is lying. Eliminate this language from your vocabulary. You can’t let go of something unless you replace it with something else.
I can, I want, I’m willing, I choose, I am.
Change is synonymous with growth. Do one thing differently today than you did yesterday. If you always drive the same way to work, take a different route—or ride your bike or take a bus. If you’re usually too rushed or preoccupied to chat with the checker at the grocery store, try making eye contact and conversation. If your family is usually too busy to ea...
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These small steps might seem inconsequential, but they actually train your brain to know that you’re capable of change, that nothing is locked in stone, that your choices and possibilities are endless. And getting curious about your life helps turn your anxiety into excitement. You don’t have to stay wher...
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“How long are you going to keep picking this up and carrying it around?” I asked Andreas. “What’s the legacy you want to pass on?” Do you want to stay beholden to the past? Or can you find a way to release your loved ones—and yourself?
guiding me to the choice I always have to replace judgment with compassion—to recognize our shared humanity and practice love.
Freedom means choosing, every moment, whether we reach for our inner Nazi or our inner Gandhi. For the love we were born with or the hate we learned.
The inner Nazi is the part of you that has the capacity to judge and withhold compassion, that denies you the permission to be free and victimizes others when things don’t go your way.
“I always thought it was my fault,” she told me. “I didn’t know what he was so upset about. No one ever told me, ‘This isn’t about you. You didn’t do anything wrong.’ I grew up thinking I was the one who made him angry, that there was something wrong with me.”
“The most obnoxious person is your best teacher,” I told her. “He teaches you what you don’t like in him, to examine in yourself. So how much time do you spend judging yourself? Scaring yourself?”
We’re all victims of victims. How far back do you want to go, searching for the source? It’s better to start with yourself. A few months later,
“Half of you is your father,” I told Alex. “Throw white light his way. Wrap him up in white light.”
So I turned my hatred into pity. I chose to feel sorry for the guards.
They’d been brainwashed. They’d had their innocence stolen. They came to Auschwitz to throw children into a gas chamber, thinking they were ridding
the world from a cancer. They’d lost their freedom. ...
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We’re born to love; we learn to hate. It’s up to us what we reach for.
Our best teachers. The most toxic, obnoxious people in our lives can be our best teachers.
