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Ursa is attractive, but it’s more complicated than beautiful. She’s powerful. She’s not even doing anything other than looking at me, and I’m fighting to draw each breath.
She’s large and powerful and confident, and she makes me feel tiny and breakable and brittle by comparison. I don’t think I like it. But then, that’s my problem, isn’t it? I have a feeling she’d walk the exact same way even if I weren’t here.
“You’d be surprised what you might enjoy now that you’re in Carver City. There’s no one here to tell you what to think, what to feel. The only way to figure out what you enjoy is to try it.”
I’ve skirted the edge of power enough to know it when I see it, and Hades drips power even while bathed in darkness.
Zurielle doesn’t seem content with that. “But he’s here. You orchestrated this so he’d be freed.” “Not only that.” She shakes her head. “Not only that, but you could have found a different way to get revenge on my father. You chose this way because of Alaric.” She’s not wrong, but I’m also not inclined to dig into my complicated relationship with that man for her benefit.
I made my choice, and feeling guilty about it now is just self-indulgent. I’m a bastard and a half for letting Zuri pay the price of my decisions, but it’s too late to change my mind.
If there’s a flicker of jealousy there, I’m used to it. Nothing in this world is ever entirely mine. Not a home. Not a possession. Certainly not a romantic partner. Even Ursa, whom I care about far more than is wise, will never be mine in truth. I might be hers, but that’s hardly the same thing at all. She’s got walls upon walls, and she’s spent most of her life making sure no one comes near. I’m
Being between them shouldn’t feel so good, not when there are a thousand things I am very intentionally not unpacking right now.
Anything is easier than admitting I want them both too much to poke holes in the betrayal lingering just out of reach. Alaric seduced me and made me believe that he might love me, when all the while he was kneeling at the feet of Ursa. He lied to me.
“He’s overprotective.” “Controlling,” she corrects gently. “One could almost argue abusive. You’re an adult, Zurielle. The only person in charge of your body should be you.” She smiles slowly. “And me for the next week.”
“Don’t embarrass yourself by coming on the first stroke, lover.” “You’re not helping,” he grinds out.
The reality of this situation is soaking into me one wave at a time. I sold my virginity tonight. Alaric tricked me into doing it. Ursa orchestrated the entire thing. I belong to her—to them—for another six nights.
“I hate you, Alaric. All the sex in the world isn’t going to cover up the fact that you lied to me and betrayed me and fully intend to ruin my life because of something that has nothing to do with me.”
Maybe she knew it would end like this, a chasm opening up between us that is destined never to be crossed. Ursa doesn’t like loose ends, and my conflicted feelings for Zuri are exactly that. It would be just like her to ensure that there’s nothing left unsaid between us, no matter how venomous the words.
I always fuck up the things that matter. I just didn’t realize Zuri might number among them until this moment. And now it’s too late.
“You spent several weeks in Olympus playing Romeo to her Juliet. Did you start to see a different version of yourself reflected in the stars in her eyes?” I reach his shoulders and skate my nails down his arms. “One where you really are Prince Charming, or at least a knight in shining armor? One where you have honor?”
Alaric is wonderful. Truly, he is. But sometimes I am so godsdamn tired of having to play the dominant party so he can dodge his guilt. Up until this point, he’s been a fun partner, but this hesitance just proves what I already suspected. I can’t trust him enough to lean on him. My frustration gets the best of me and adds some ire to my tone.
My bed is fine for fucking, but it’s my sanctuary at night, a place I can let down my walls completely and rest a little bit before I have to don my armor and go back out into the world.
This man really is a joy, even if he’s high maintenance as hell.
My cock, my Alaric, mine. It doesn’t matter that I’m sending him back to Zurielle in a few moments because in this moment he is undeniably mine.
“You be sure to tell me how un-messy things are at the end of this week.”
“Have fun with your little pets, Ursa. You deserve a little pleasure after all the sacrifices you’ve made.”
Does he understand how those words cut me to the quick? They’re yet another reminder that he never wanted me, was never the nice guy I believed when I met him back in Olympus. I have never felt so young and foolish as I do now, and I hate it. I want to keep lashing out with my words until he hurts as much as I am right now. Until he doubts his very instincts and questions everything.
There it is again, that jealousy I have no right to. Zuri isn’t mine. She never has been, and she never will be.
“I’m saying that a smart person doesn’t let rage blind them to the realities of the world. No one is wholly good or wholly bad. If you know their motivations, you can use them to encourage the outcome you desire.”
“A weak person wouldn’t have gone to the lengths you did.” She glances at the doorway, where I can hear Alaric walking back toward the living room. “A foolish person wouldn’t be holding their own right now.”
I’ve been a thorn in Triton’s side since we were still young enough to think that power came without price.
Gods, what if I do keep her?
Like a gift that I’m suddenly certain I’m too selfish to give up.
Forgiveness isn’t a simple thing. It’s fluid and imprecise and often beyond me.
“You’re soft. Others might see that as a sin, but it’s not. It’s an asset. Cling to that as long as you possibly can, because you’ll lose part of yourself when you let the world make you hard.”
I should be more scared.
I sigh. “You’re not sorry. Not really. You feel guilty, but that’s not the same thing. You wouldn’t do anything differently if you had a chance to go back.”
It doesn’t change the fact that I’ve sacrificed everything for people who will move on with their lives together and forget that I ever existed.
I kind of enjoy the fact that she saves this tartness just for me. Ursa gets the sweet and I get the sour, and I like Zuri’s duality on that note a whole hell of a lot.
“There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that flourish in the shadows—and those that suffocate in them.
Now? She could be one of us. I know it, and if I know it, then Ursa’s already considered it. I don’t understand her hesitation.
Maybe I am the coward Alaric names me. It’s hard to argue with it when I dress quickly and slip out of my penthouse. I haven’t snuck out of anywhere since I was a teenager, and it didn’t go well the single time I tried.
Monica is one of the few people close enough to me to call me on my shit, something I’m not too eager to experience. Not when I’m still so raw from the conversation with Alaric.
The temptation to dismantle my walls and lean on him is almost too much to bear. I’ve stood alone for so long, and I am so incredibly tired. Alaric might not understand the sheer amount I carry, but he wouldn’t think less of me for wanting to set it down for a little while. He even seems to crave that intimacy. It scares the shit out of me.
If I were wiser, I’d keep my own counsel, but I can’t help the messy feelings bubbling up inside me.
“Really, darling, don’t hold back on my account.” No one is holding back on my account today.
I sound grumpy and out of sorts, nothing like my normal calculated tone of amusement, but my careful mask has fractured in the last twenty-four hours and I can’t quite manage to reclaim it despite my best efforts.
“In all the years I’ve been working my way toward power, toward this position of holding an entire territory, the one line I haven’t crossed is harming an innocent. The single line, Malone. If I keep her, I’ll harm her by virtue of the life I live.”
Really, Ursa, you’re making this more complicated than it needs to be. Even if you decide to marry one of them, you’re the one running the territory and everyone knows it.”
“Sometimes friends should play support, sometimes they should shine a light on hard truths.”
“Your pep talk skills need work.” “Do they? Because you look steadier on your feet than when you walked through my door.” Damn her, but she’s right.
“Gods save me from supportive friends.”
I can do this. It might feel like the hardest thing I’ve ever tried, but rationally I know it’s not true. If this blows up in my face, it’s only my heart that will bear the pain.
“Knowing that it could end only makes it sweeter while you have the good stuff. Life is hard. Really fucking hard. Hell, you know that. You haven’t been untouched by death.”
