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when it seems like the world is ending, being willing to help others is the antidote to fear. And that is the first step toward becoming bulletproof.
Survival is about mastering yourself and your fear response, being able to think and act while keeping your panic at bay. Being able to navigate your mental and physical response to fear is your number one survival skill. It can also be the best ally you have in any intimidating situation life throws your way. Managing your fear requires a deliberate act of courage.
The best way to manage fear is preparation. It isn’t hiding from the things we’re afraid of—it’s facing them head-on, taking responsibility for our own safety, and giving ourselves the tools and knowledge we need to manage any situation that might come our way. It’s about confidence, personal strength, and self-sufficiency.
Researchers say our Fight, Flight, or Freeze response activates even before we are aware of it as a way of assessing danger. If it’s a threat we think we can overpower, we go into Fight mode. If it’s a threat we think we can outrun, we go into Flight mode. If it’s a threat where we think we can do neither—we Freeze. People may have a different response to the same stimuli—as my mother and I did—but no matter what your particular response to fear may be, the most important thing is to know and understand it so you can control it.
Difficulties are things that show a person what they are. —EPICTETUS
There are two types of regrets: The regrets we have after doing something and those that come from not doing something. Although regrets for our actions are often psychologically agonizing at first, their pain tends to diminish over time as we begin to either justify how they happened or find meaning in why they happened. Inaction, on the other hand, is something we hold on to, wishing we could turn back the clock and do things differently. Research shows that far more people regret actions that they didn’t take than the ones they did, even if they later come to see a certain past act as a
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What makes us the best? I tend to think it’s the struggle. It’s the choice to face a challenge head-on instead of turning our backs to it. It isn’t solely about physical strength or bravado. It’s about endurance. And by this, I mean mental endurance—the ability to endure whatever life throws at you, to keep going no matter how hard it gets.
Your mental armor is an internal firewall against the harmful words or actions of others that might otherwise undermine or diminish you. Developing this kind of shield gives you agency; it allows you to choose what you want to take in and what you want to keep out.
The point is that sometimes it’s better to simply stay away from those environments that are potential hot zones for you. This includes people who could cause you some level of harm, whether done intentionally or not. And I don’t just mean physical harm—I mean the kind that could undermine your sense of self-worth. One of the first strategies for building mental toughness is taking inventory of who you surround yourself with.
Get off the X means keep moving for your survival and well-being. Get out of the area of danger. Adjust. Pivot. Because when you stay static—that is, when you remain in a bad situation—you will get hurt. And what many people don’t realize is that removing yourself from a bad environment actually helps deescalate a situation before things get really bad. So the next time you get the feeling that the conversation or mood in the room is turning against you, I want you to think about immediately removing yourself from the scene.
When faced with a situation in which you’re being provoked, take a moment to let your emotions pass, and then ask yourself, “Do I really need to respond?” Assess the situation from a logical vantage point—rather than an emotional one—and base your decisions on what will ultimately benefit you in the long run.
Is this a true emergency that requires my immediate attention? Is this a relevant issue that I must respond to? Is this something I can ignore? Is my response going to invite unnecessary drama? If I don’t respond, will there be negative repercussions? Are they trying to make their problem my problem? Am I being baited into an argument? Is this distracting me from more important tasks?
Your ability to accept a situation—the real situation—will ultimately help you overcome it. This means that when unplanned shit happens, and it will, you must forgo the I can’t believe this is happening to me attitude, and instead adopt the mindset of This is happening to me. This is my reality. So now what?
One of the best strategies toward objectively fixing a problem is to use the Third-Person Solution. Take whatever dilemma you’re facing and project it onto someone else. Perhaps a friend or a family member. Now, look at the issue as if they’re coming to you with it. What would you tell them? What guidance would you give? If you can avoid making it about you, you can begin to see it as a more simplified and less muddied version of the problem, and then begin making clearer decisions.
Don’t fear the fight when the fight comes looking for you.
To become a dealer of words, you must first understand that the words you choose are not about you. They’re about the person who hears them. Instead of trying to force your listener to see the world through your eyes, try seeing it through theirs. Talk to people in a way that makes sense to them. A perfect example of this is watching adults interact with newborns. Without prompting, most will adopt a soft, high-pitched babble accompanied by an easy smile. Why? Because they know that’s how babies communicate with the world.
Influence isn’t about permanently altering someone’s character or long-established belief system. People change because they want to—not because you want them to. And if you truly want to effectively influence someone, you must first open yourself up to understanding their perspective.
Respect is not something that can be forced or demanded. It’s a gift. If someone wants to give it to you, they will. And if they don’t, they won’t. That’s it. Yes, your words are your most powerful weapon. But when it comes to commanding respect, sometimes it’s best to hold your silence and simply show the world who you are through what you do.
The measure of your success should not be respect. The measure of your success should be your resolve to carry out your particular purpose or mission in a way that brings you pride and satisfaction. At the end of the day, the person whose opinion matters the most is your own. When you come to this realization, you free yourself from caring so much about what others think of you. You may want someone’s respect, but you don’t need it.
The best way to ask open-ended questions is by using the acronym TED. This stands for: Tell: “Tell me how your day was.” “Tell me more of your thoughts on this partnership.” Explain: “Explain what happened.” “Explain to me what is important to you and your company.” Describe: “Describe your meeting with your boss.” “Describe your concerns with the situation.”
We’ve all been taught that mistakes are terrible, a source of shame that will tarnish us forever. Frankly, that’s true only if you don’t take accountability for them. Here’s the thing—many mistakes are inevitable and forgivable. Yet, no mistake is worse than failing to own up to it. It’s a matter of character and integrity. There is truly nothing more inspiring than when people make an honest and thorough appraisal of a mistake and take full responsibility for their own errors or lapses in judgment.
Take ownership of the things you do, whether they’re good or bad. And remember that no one wants to follow anyone who shirks or cowers away from taking responsibility. We all fuck up. But how we recover from our fuckups is how we differentiate ourselves.
No Fucks to Give There is an incredible opportunity for growth when you’re willing to invest time and energy on learning a new skill from square one. You do this by focusing not on what others think of you, but exclusively on your goal of learning and improving.
If you have the courage to take ownership of your own well-being, you will begin to see the world differently. You will begin to live differently. You will become rooted by your own strength and power in every situation, no matter how big or small. At the end of the day, the one person you should be able to fully rely upon to save you is you. You are the hero you’ve been waiting for. You are the hero the world has been waiting for.
