Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends

by Patrick King

the quality of our interactions matters as well, not just the quantity or presence of other people around us.

They found a clear correlation between substantive and deep discussions and greater well-being and happiness. It’s something you’ve probably suspected or even felt before, but being vulnerable and open with others is a deeply satisfying activity on many levels.

beyond small talk.

two. Don’t worry about appearing forced or tackling the problem in a serious and overly formal way. Though it might seem counterintuitive, preparing well and making deliberate efforts to perform better in natural conversation can actually make you more spontaneous and relaxed. When you prepare for conversations, you’ll find being witty much more available and even easy.

get ready psychologically—so

happier. While we routinely rush through the transaction without so much as a smile, the study found that people who smiled and engaged in a brief conversation with the barista experienced more positive feelings than those who stuck to the impersonal, efficient approach.

The simple act of engaging people in short bursts has been shown to make us happier and more inclined to be social, and it will also help us mentally and psychologically warm up to be our best in conversations and small talk no matter the context.

engage in more short interactions—or what researcher Steven Handel calls “ten-second relationships”—with others, because they have the potential to boost our moods, change our perspectives, and warm us up socially. It’s as though these interactions keep the social engagement engine running.

So make it a goal to initiate and create a ten-second interaction with a stranger each day, and especially on the way to functions, events, and parties.

Pretend like you are reading the excerpt out loud to a class of second graders.

Exaggerate every emotion you can find to the tenth degree.

Pay attention to your voice tonality.

Another key element of how you say something is, of course, your pacing—the speed at which you talk.

The first level is, no surprise, small talk, also known as exchanging pleasantries or general chitchat.

Following small talk, you may both feel relaxed enough for the second step: fact disclosure.

The third stage—opinion disclosure—brings you both closer still.

we are sending the same signals, but we probably don’t realize it. We are all sizing others up in a similar way, and people are doing the same to you.

For our purposes, we ideally want to send a signal of comfort and familiarity. It’s understandable that you may not feel comfortable being the first to reach out, but it’s too often that this causes a game of chicken where there is no movement at all.

it was the approach she had.

She wasn’t afraid of asking the deep and tough questions, no matter how often she had to ask, “But why?” to understand something.

her questions were motivated by sheer, genuine curiosity.

It’s just to understand that we all send certain signals when we interact with others, and children send very unique ones that typically open us up and make interactions fun and entertaining. Within the first few seconds of an interaction, you can set the stage for the kind of engagement that is open, engrossing, novel and genuinely kind. You can treat the interaction as a brand-new, never-before-seen experience, and make your conversation partner feel like they’ve never been more listened to. Or you can unconsciously send signals that tell the other person, “I’m not really interested in this conversation.” Of course, the only way you can do any of this is if you’re a) aware about it in the first place and b) skillful enough to take charge of how you’re coming across, and adjust it according to what you’re trying to achieve. In this book, what we’re trying to achieve is pretty straightforward: that awesome feeling of really connecting with another human being, making friends, and “clicking.” As it happens, this is one of the easiest “frames” to maintain—a child could do it, literally.

a playful, relaxed attitude like the one you already have with your friends is just right.

you might refer to this as the feeling of plausible deniability—where you have a plausible reason to walk up and start a conversation in a way that no one can think you’re rude or weird. Actually, if they think you’re rude or weird, they’re the rude or weird ones.

The first, indirect method of breaking the ice is to ask people for objective information or a subjective opinion.

The second, indirect method of breaking the ice is to comment on something in the environment, context, or specific situation.

The third and final indirect method of breaking the ice is to comment on a commonality you both share.

We actually ask these questions instinctively because we are searching for commonalities.

birds of a feather flock together.

Similarities make us relate better to other people because we think they’ll understand us on a deeper level.

It just requires you to look outside of yourself and realize that people share common attitudes, experiences, and emotions—you just have to find them.

Manufacture Connection

Recognition. People thrive when you recognize something good about them.

You can also show appreciation to someone and compliment them. This is similar to recognition; people rarely turn down an opportunity to explain their accomplishments.

Complaining. We’ve covered this a bit in talking about how people love mutual dislike.

People also love to complain, so it is easy to get someone to open up by giving them something to commiserate with.

Correction. People love to be right. This is truly the backbone of any Internet argument. So if you say something wrong, they will gladly jump at the chance to correct you.

Naïveté. To be clear, this does not mean to act stupid; it means to act like you’re on the cusp of understanding.

an inside view to the way you think and feel.

Details offer a three-dimensional description of you and your life.

Details also give people more to connect to, think about, and attach themselves to.

Detail and specificity put people into a particular place and time. This allows them to imagine exactly what’s happening and start caring about it.