Better Small Talk: Talk to Anyone, Avoid Awkwardness, Generate Deep Conversations, and Make Real Friends

by Patrick King

They found a clear correlation between substantive and deep discussions and greater well-being and happiness. It’s something you’ve probably suspected or even felt before, but being vulnerable and open with others is a deeply satisfying activity on many levels.

motivation can make you overeager—but rushing in would be a mistake for the time being. It would be akin to running into battle without your shield, sword, or even pants.

The simple act of engaging people in short bursts has been shown to make us happier and more inclined to be social, and it will also help us mentally and psychologically warm up to be our best in conversations and small talk no matter the context.

We need to engage in more short interactions—or what researcher Steven Handel calls “ten-second relationships”—with others, because they have the potential to boost our moods, change our perspectives, and warm us up socially. It’s as though these interactions keep the social engagement engine running.

remind yourself that you have a natural bias to assume that you prefer keeping to yourself. You can probably recall a situation where you were glad you reached out and engaged with someone, even if you were reluctant at first. A lot of people hate small talk simply because shifting gears into socializing mode can feel awkward or uncomfortable. But they forget that, once warmed up, the benefits far outweigh the initial costs. It’s a bit like exercise in the morning. Sure, it takes your muscles time to warm up, but you soon start to enjoy yourself, and gain the benefits of physical activity.

So make it a goal to initiate and create a ten-second interaction with a stranger each day, and especially on the way to functions, events, and parties. This will warm you up for conversation and build the habit of being interested in people.

Look, small talk gets a bad rap. You yourself may find the whole topic kind of boring or unpleasant. But failing to understand the value of small talk is like saying you want to be married but hate dating—one typically leads to the other in a very sequential manner.