Breasts and Eggs

by Mieko Kawakami

My life was like a dusty shelf in an old bookstore, where every volume was exactly where it had been for ages, the only discernible change being that my body has aged another ten years.

It feels like I’m trapped inside my body. It decides when I get hungry, and when I’ll get my period. From birth to death, you have to keep eating and making money just to stay alive.

Happiness can be defined all kinds of ways, but human beings, consciously or unconsciously, are always pulling for their own version of happiness. Even people who want to die see death as a kind of solace, and view ending their lives as the only way to make it there. Happiness is the base unit of consciousness, our single greatest motivator. Saying “I just want to be happy” trumps any other explanation.

Then, when we were fighting, at the end, when she was mad but looked like she was about to cry, she shouted, “What can I do? We gotta eat, right?” That’s when I said it. It’s your fault for having me. I realized something after that, though. It’s not her fault she was born.

I’ve already decided. I’m never having kids. No way.

It’s really scary to think about it, though. Before I was even born, I already had everything I needed to have a baby of my own. In some ways, I was even more prepared than I am now. Set up to give birth, before I was even born . . . This isn’t just in books, though. It’s happening now, as we speak, inside of me. I wish I could rip out all those parts of me, the parts already rushing to give birth. Why does it have to be like this?

So you want your body to be the way it used to be? Then why’d you even have me? Your life would have been better if you never had me. Think about how great everything would be if none of us were ever born. No happiness, no sadness. Nothing could ever happen to us then. It’s not our fault that we have eggs and sperm, but we can definitely try harder to keep them from meeting.

“They say ‘good friends are hard to find.’ It’s true. It’s so hard to find people who actually listen, who try to understand your words, who try to understand you. It’s basically luck.

When people say they want kids, what is it they actually want? Lots of folks would say they want to have a baby with their partner, but what’s the difference between wanting that and wanting your own baby?

Dead people and the words they leave behind can’t change.

I wanted to speak up and ask the woman whether she thought there was any form of childbirth that did not involve the egos of the parents, but I decided against it.

At the end of the day, it’s pointless speculating what a kid might think. There’s no way to know ahead of time. I’ll do everything I can so that my kid is happy they were born. What more can you do?

I was just a kid, but I really thought I was protecting my mom from my dad. I was so wrong. She wasn’t putting up with him at all. She never wanted to leave. She never wanted to fight. Leaving him had never even occurred to her. She just smiled at us, her kids, and said: He’s the only one for me.”

My feelings were private, an indulgence, a charade. I was alone, and well aware that I would stay alone—but when I pushed myself to do my best and get things done, I wound up feeling like I was standing in a limitless expanse, forsaken and alone, no dream to chase.

Why do people see no harm in having children? They do it with smiles on their faces, as if it’s not an act of violence. You force this other being into the world, this other being that never asked to be born. You do this absurd thing because that’s what you want for yourself, and that doesn’t make any sense.”

“People are willing to accept the pain and suffering of others, limitless amounts of it, as long as it helps them to keep on believing in whatever it is that they want to believe. Love, meaning, doesn’t matter.”

We’re all so small, and have such little time, unable to envision the majority of the world.