The Mental Toughness Handbook: A Step-By-Step Guide to Facing Life's Challenges, Managing Negative Emotions, and Overcoming Adversity with Courage and Poise

by Damon Zahariades

Build a tolerance for change.

Write down three habits you’d like to develop. Next to each one, write down three things you can do starting today to develop the habit. For example, suppose you want to boost your self-confidence. First, you might commit to saying hello to five stranger each day. Second, you may decide to immediately evaluate negative self-talk whenever your inner critic becomes bold. Third, you might commit to saying no to others, focusing instead on your own projects and responsibilities. Time required: 15 minutes.

Confidence Springs from Ability

Realigning Your Confidence Levels with Your Abilities Sometimes, our confidence levels move out of alignment with our abilities, knowledge, and readiness to adapt to changing conditions. When this happens, it’s important that we evaluate ourselves and realign our confidence levels with reality. If we’re overconfident, we might be inclined to take excessive risks, dismiss others’ opinions, and ignore our weaknesses. When we confront setbacks and challenges with this frame of mind, we risk being unprepared regardless of our courage. If we’re under-confident, we may avoid taking risks, allow others’ opinions to control us, and perceive our weaknesses as a harbinger of certain defeat. With this frame of mind, we’ll be hesitant to respond to setbacks and challenges altogether. It’s difficult to be mentally strong when our confidence levels are unrealistic. Both arrogance and unjustified self-doubt are the enemies of cognitive resilience and resolve. Arrogance might sustain us in the short term, but will lead us off course over the long run. Unjustified self-doubt may prevent us from responding to adversity altogether, fearful of certain defeat. Given the potential pitfalls of harboring unrealistic confidence levels, it’s important to perform a periodic self-assessment. Ask yourself: “Are my confidence levels reasonable given my circumstances?” “How do I respond to criticism?” “Am I immediately inclined to back down when challenged?” “Am I eager or reluctant to share my thoughts...

Willingness to leave your comfort zone. By leaving our comfort zone, we expose ourselves to unfamiliar situations. Doing so reveals that

Openness to experiencing emotional discomfort. Self-confidence requires an awareness of our emotions. But it also requires that we build a tolerance to them. The only way to do so is to expose ourselves to the discomfort that accompanies negative

Habit of self-assessment. There’s considerable value in performing self-evaluations on a regular basis. Earlier, we talked about doing them for the purpose of realigning our confidence levels with reality. Here,

Embrace positivity. Maintaining a positive attitude entails suppressing negative self-talk. It involves highlighting our strengths and celebrating our successes while perceiving our weaknesses and blunders as opportunities to learn and grow.

Abandon your desire for external validation. Seeking approval from others hurts your

Create a short list of things that regularly hurt your confidence. This might include negative self-talk, a messy workspace, sloppy physical appearance, or an absence of personal boundaries. Everyone is different, and therefore your list will be unique to you. Next, write down actions you can take to reduce the effect of each item on your self-confidence. Be specific. For example, if you struggle with negative self-talk, you might commit to confronting your inner critic whenever it speaks. If it claims “You’re going to fail,” you might respond with “You’re wrong and here’s why.” Finally, address one item a time. Take the actions you listed to lessen the item’s impact on your confidence levels. Repetition and consistency are your allies in this exercise. Time required: 20 minutes.

Maintaining a positive attitude isn’t about harboring baseless optimism. It’s not about having faith that things will simply work themselves out. It’s about recognizing that we can positively influence our circumstances, prevailing over misfortune and hardship by virtue of our talents, abilities, and capacity to adapt.

Many people wallow in self-pity. They grumble about how life is unfair and why their circumstances prevent them from accomplishing their goals. These folks are preoccupied with their own unhappiness. They indulge in victimhood rather than acknowledging their talents and abilities. This frame of mind leads to perpetual frustration and can even open the door to depression.

Question the reality of your emotional state. Is the self-pity reasonable or are you overlooking your potential? Resist the urge to complain to others. Complaining merely reinforces the unhealthy tendency to seek validation. Reflect on the good things in your life. Tell a friend or family member that you love and appreciate them. You’ll make that person’s day and you’ll feel good, too. It’s a win-win!

Write down five things you learned today. Examples might include learning a new word or phrase, how to cook a new dish, or how to play a new song on your guitar. This exercise emphasizes the fact that you’re always growing and improving in some way. Time required: 5 minutes. * * * EXERCISE #10 * * * Write down five things for which you’re thankful today. This might include your job, your relationship with your spouse, or the ability to keep your refrigerator stocked with food. This exercise trains your mind to express gratitude, the bane of self-pity. Time required: 5 minutes.

Your inner critic is like a small child. It gets bored easily. When it gets bored, it can become disruptive. Unfortunately, its antics are often difficult to spot. Your inner critic does its most effective work while staying hidden in the background.

First, your inner critic excels in catastrophic thinking. It’ll make questionable claims, whispering that “you’re going to fail,” “you’re going to lose your job,” and “they’re going to hate you.” These claims seem reasonable at first. We’re inclined to believe them, assuming the voice in our head is trying to protect us.

Scrutinize negative thoughts the moment they surface.

Ask for evidence.

Come up with a rational response to every overgeneralization your inner critic makes.

- Stop spending time with negative people.

micro doses, you inner critic can serve a useful purpose. It can highlight things you’ve done wrong so you have an opportunity to adjust and improve. The problem is, your inner critic never restrains itself. It inevitably finds fault in everything, slowly whittling away your emotional strength and mental toughness. However, here’s the good news: Once you recognize your inner critic’s machinations (and they’re easy to recognize once you know its tricks), you

Write down 10 examples of negative self-talk you’ve experience during the past week. They can be small or big, mildly annoying or utterly abusive. For example, has your inner critic told you any of the following? “You’ll never lose weight.” “Nobody likes you.” “You look awful in that outfit.” “Your friend Mark ignored your text. He’s angry with you.” “You’re not as capable as those people.” “Your boss is going to fire you.” “Your coworkers don’t respect you.” “You’re an idiot.” Once you’ve written down 10 examples from the past week, write down a reasonable response to each one. For example, next to “you’ll never lose weight,” you might write “if I eat

break. One explanation for this phenomenon is decision fatigue, a form of mental fatigue. The more decisions we make, the less willpower (i.e. fuel in our tank) we have to make subsequent decisions. The absence of willpower makes it difficult for us to make hard choices, and we instead choose the easier option. Keep these mechanics in

not dance around it. The key to taking action in the absence of willpower and motivation is to rely on habits. Create routines and rituals that spur you to take action on autopilot. Once these routines are in place, you’ll no longer be a powerless victim to decision fatigue. You’ll no longer need to wait to feel motivated to pursue a change in your circumstances. Your habits will prompt you. And the more consistent your habits, the easier it’ll be for you to make choices that align with your goals.

* * * Whenever you feel the impulse to do something you enjoy, meditate for five minutes before acting on the impulse. Set a timer. Then close your eyes and focus on your breathing. This simple exercise trains your mind to exert self-control. It’s an easy way to grow accustomed to discomfort and delay gratification without experiencing significant inconvenience. Time required: 5 minutes. * * * EXERCISE #13 * * * Write down five things that motivate you to take action. Perhaps it’s reading a self-improvement book. Maybe it’s listening to a certain type of music. Or you might feel especially motivated when you spend time with like-minded people. Next, write down five things that cause your motivation to evaporate. This might include eating sugary foods, catering to your perfectionist tendencies, or spending time with pessimistic people. This exercise will reveal environmental influences on your motivation. Once you’re aware of them, you can make sensible adjustments that better serve your longer term goals. Time required: 10 minutes.

did this for years (coffee was my closest friend). The thing that made this possible (besides coffee) was self-discipline. It wasn’t willpower. It wasn’t motivation. It was the act of forcing myself to do that which did not come naturally to me, day after day after day. It was a matter of controlling my impulses, forgoing immediate gratification, and tolerating extreme inconvenience.

First, I discovered that we can force ourselves to endure just about anything if we’re sufficiently focused on our goal. This perseverance can help us prevail over procrastination, indecision, fear, and laziness. Second, I learned that self-discipline was a prerequisite to mental toughness. You can’t develop the latter without first developing the former. In a way, building self-discipline is training for becoming mentally tough. It’s a form of boot camp.

Willpower will help you to get out of bed at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow morning when you’d rather stay under the warm covers. Self-discipline will help you to do so every morning. Willpower will give you the self-control you need to resist eating junk food this afternoon. Self-discipline will give you the self-control you need to abstain from junk food for the foreseeable future.

Create a temptation-free environment.

Take small steps forward.

Create an action plan.

Grow accustomed to short-term unpleasantness.

Commit to doing nothing but the task in front of you.

Write down 15 things that require discipline to resist or discipline to carry out. These should be things you encounter on a regular basis. Following are a few examples to get you started: washing dishes that are sitting in the sink forgoing watching TV after a long day making the bed after you get up in the morning going for an early morning run abstaining from gossip at the office meditating in the morning ignoring your phone while working

- We don’t “own” our commitments.

We train ourselves to surrender to temptation.

We’re easily distracted.

We’re unclear about the reward.

We entertain excessively optimistic expectations.

Think of someone who overcame tough odds and significant adversity by virtue of their will, resolve, and tenacity. This individual can be a friend, family member, acquaintance, or even a celebrity you’ve never met. For example, I have a friend who built a thriving company despite personal health issues. Additionally, a close family member struggled for years with severe financial issues, and overcame them to build a successful, rewarding life for him and his family. An example of a celebrity is basketball great Michael Jordan, who was unceremoniously cut from his high school basketball team. He persevered to become one of the sport’s most celebrated players. Reflect on the individual’s efforts, frustrations, and ultimate success. Don’t compare yourself to this person. Simply contemplate the resilience and grit he or she displayed in climbing their personal mountain. Now, describe a personal situation in which you gave up and now regret your decision. Write down three things you could have done to persevere with the same attitude as the individual you just contemplated. Time required: 15 minutes.

excited by the prospect of learning new skills and putting them to use. The trouble is, mastering a skill requires practice and repetition. And when you practice something over and over, it starts to become boring. You must continue to put in the time to maintain your proficiency. But the brain essentially goes to sleep, working on autopilot.