Sweet Dandelion

by Micalea Smeltzer

“My sweet, Dandelion. May you always be as free as the birds, as wild as the flowers, and untamed as the sea.”

If he’s triggered anything it’s gratitude. It’s only my fifth day of school, our fifth time meeting, and he’s gone out of his way to accommodate me already. This is the last thing I would expect him to do. He owes me nothing but he’s given me everything.

he asked the principal to give him a new office because he knew how much it would mean to me to not feel singled out by having to go to the conference room.

“Sometimes we have to hurt to be reminded that the best things in life bring us joy and pain.”

The sad thing is how often these things are happening, the number of deaths mounting, the survivors living with guilt, but we’re being forgotten, because at the end of the day we’re nothing.

Herb and Weed. They’re ridiculous nicknames we used to call each other years ago when we were little and constantly pestering each other. Sage said I was an annoying weed, always getting in his way, and I said if I was Weed then he was Herb.

“I still don’t understand why you want to be friends with me?” The blinker comes on and he turns onto the main road leading into the city. “I don’t know.” He shrugs, loosening his grip on the wheel. “You seem like someone I’m meant to know.”

I hope one day, when I’m married and have kids, that we live on a farm. With chickens, goats, cows, all the animals and wide-open space. City living, while convenient, isn’t for me.

“I regret that so much—that I didn’t spend time with her. I took everything for granted, naively—no, selfishly—believing there would always be more time.”

“She’ll never tell me goodnight again. She’ll never ask if I finished my homework. She won’t see me graduate. She won’t drop me off for my first day of college. She won’t tell me to think twice about my decisions. She won’t see me meet my future husband, or get married, or have kids. She won’t see me build a life.

It might not make much sense, but pain can heal you.”

We get on the same elevator together. I press 11. He pushes 12. I don’t tell him, that one year ago, that was the day my whole life changed forever. A coincidence, I tell myself, but in the back of my mind I think it’s more.

“I was definitely going to college. I wanted to be a lawyer.” “Why don’t you want that anymore?” I swallow thickly past the giant lump lodged in my throat. “Because I can’t fight for a system that’s broken. One that fails innocent people every fucking day. I refuse to be a part of that.”

“When I was lying on that floor, wet from my own blood, screams echoing everywhere, I knew I was going to die. The only thing I regretted in those brief moments before I lost consciousness was the fact that I was never going to know real, soul-crushing, forever love. I wasn’t going to walk down the aisle to the man of my dreams. I wasn’t going to hold my child in my arms. I wasn’t going to grow old with someone.” I have to pause and catch my breath, also allowing myself to take a moment to keep the tears at bay. “It was the simple, ordinary things I was going to miss out on that hurt the most. At the end of the day, those things might seem mundane or unnecessary to some, but to me it was all I wanted. So, I guess if I was going to put anything on my bucket list, falling in love would be at the top.”

“Reading is a good escape,” he agrees, looking down at me. His blue eyes hold me in my spot, unable to move or even breathe for a second. “It’s nice to be lost in another world for a little while. But we can’t forget reality forever.”

“I don’t want to exist, I want to live. That’s all I’ve been doing since it happened. Existing, not living.”

“My sweet, Dandelion. May you always be as free as the birds, as wild as the flowers, and untamed as the sea.”

“I’m not mad about the kiss. I’m not even mad at you. But I am livid,” his teeth gnash together, his hands fisted at his side, “at myself for liking it and wanting nothing more than to take you in my arms and kiss you again.”

“Life clips our wings,” I murmur softly, wiping condensation from the side of the water glass. “Everyone tells you to dream big, but then society does everything it can to keep you grounded.”

“It’s hard to share the most shattered parts of ourselves, don’t you think? The thoughts, the memories, the pain … it’s all so jagged and cutting. I already have to hurt, I don’t want other people to hurt too.”

And maybe, if it weren’t for Lachlan I could like him back. But there is Lachlan. Perhaps not a Lachlan and Dani, but still, I have my feelings like Ansel has his.

In the silence, he’s just Lachlan, and I’m Dani. We’re not student and counselor. The dark and quiet have no labels. They judge no one. Within the darkness you can hide a multitude of sins. The problem is when the light comes again.

“Why do I have to be so torn up over you?” he murmurs, his eyes raking over my face. Shadows dance over his handsome face from the flickering candles. “You,” his thumb brushes over my lips, “a student. You’re turning me into the worst kind of person, desiring something that isn’t mine for the taking.”

“Fuck, it’s so wrong.” He drops his head, shaking it. “But nothing has ever felt as right as it does when I’m with you. The second you walk into a room, I’m aware. It’s like my body knows and senses you. I’ve never experienced anything like it before.” He grinds his teeth together. “It makes me angry, because you’re young, Dani. So much younger than me. You might think eleven years isn’t a lot, but it’s more than a decade, and believe me we do a lot of growing and changing in that time. I’m so afraid my feelings for you are going to rob you of something.”

“The best things in life are meant to be savored. Treasured.” He swallows, clearing his throat. His fingers wiggle slightly in mine from nerves. “The thoughts I have about you break so many fucking rules. If I’m going to hell for this, I want to do it thoroughly. I want to take my time. I want to explore every crevice of your body with my tongue and pluck your thoughts like a guitar string. I want to know the ins and outs of what you love and why you love it. I want to know the most sensitive parts of your body, what makes you moan my name and beg for more. I’m a selfish bastard, Dandelion Meadows, and I want every fucking part of you.”

Lachlan and I are inevitable. An ocean could separate us and I know deep down we’d still find our way back to each other.

He swallows thickly. “What do you look at me like, Dani?” “Like you’re mine.”

“don’t you see? I can’t be with you in the light, I have to hide like a coward in the darkness and I refuse to do that.” His jaw clenches and he shakes his head roughly. “I won’t do that to me or you.”

I want to be his more than anything. I’ll let him have me, all of me, every sad and happy thought, every emotion, my body, my heart. It’s his for the taking.

Some might think I’m too young to understand the concept of love, but it’s not something that can be defined by words, only a feeling, and I know, without a doubt, I love Lachlan Taylor. I don’t understand it, why him out of all the other millions of people on the planet, but it doesn’t matter because it’s him I’ve chosen.

God, the dark. It’s always the dark with us isn’t it? A place to hide? A place to feel? The darkness is our safe haven where we can let our guard down.

Grief comes and goes forever. It’s like a wave.”

“Grief isn’t easy,” he continues. “It’s this twisted, complicated ball of emotions. When you think you’re unraveling it, it twists up again. But you have to keep working at it, until you find the right string to pull, when you do, suddenly things start getting better. But remember, it’s okay to feel sad. Sadness is not weakness, and weakness is not a failure.”

“If you dream small you’ll never even touch the ceiling.” I give him a soft smile. “But if you dream big you might be lucky enough to touch the sky.”

“You’re loving me in the light.” He looks around, the sun glowing around us, strangers passing by and grins, his lips pulling up more on one corner. “Well, would you look at that.” Then, he kisses me again, and I know without a doubt that we’ll never have to hide in the dark again.

One day at a time. One step. One moment. The past doesn’t have to be an anchor, it can be your wings.”

As a mother myself now, I’m really beginning to understand why my mom said some of the things she did to me, so it’s with that thought that I round my lips, and exhale, blowing the seeds to scatter free in the wind. To lay down their roots, and grow where they’ll thrive.

My sweet, Lyla. May you always be as free as the birds, as wild as the flowers, and untamed as the sea.