Apropos of Nothing

by Woody Allen

The guys in the band were very polite and encouraging, clapping their hands to their ears with the utmost discretion when I blew.

In those days the planes had propellers and couldn’t make the trip nonstop and, worst of all, traveled through the sky.

This extreme and pleasurable closeness continued decade after decade until I sued her.

There are still loonies who think I married my daughter, who think Soon-Yi was my child, who think Mia was my wife, who think I adopted Soon-Yi, who think that Obama wasn’t American. But there was never any trial. I was never charged with anything, as it was clear to the investigators nothing had ever occurred.

Frankly, I didn’t even like the horizon, although I never really got close enough to it to check it out.

I’m eighty-four; my life is almost half over.

Timothée afterward publicly stated he regretted working with me and was giving the money to charity, but he swore to my sister he needed to do that as he was up for an Oscar for Call Me by Your Name, and he and his agent felt he had a better chance of winning if he denounced me, so he did.