I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

We all experience shame. It is an absolutely universal emotion.

We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences.

we all know the struggle to feel comfortable with who we are in a society that puts so much importance on being perfect and fitting in.

The constant struggle to feel accepted and worthy is unrelenting. We put so much of our time and energy into making sure that we meet everyone’s expectations and into caring about what other people think of us, that we are often left feeling angry, resentful and fearful.

Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.

shame is a silent epidemic. It’s a problem of epidemic proportions because it has an impact on all of us. What makes it “silent” is our inability or unwillingness to talk openly about shame and explore the ways in which it affects our individual lives, our families, our communities and society. Our silence has actually forced shame underground,

We feel shame. We think self-esteem. Our self-esteem is based on how we see ourselves—our strengths and limitations—over time. It is how and what we think of ourselves. Shame is an emotion.

shame is the voice of perfectionism.

Nothing silences us more effectively than shame.

Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart.

We learned how to change our behaviors, thinking and feelings to avoid feeling shame. In the process, we changed who we were and, in many instances, who we are now. Our culture teaches us about shame—it dictates what is acceptable and what is not.

Shame comes from outside of us—from the messages and expectations of our culture. What comes from the inside of us is a very human need to belong, to relate.

Shame unravels our connection to others. In fact, I often refer to shame as the fear of disconnection—the

Hearing someone talk about a shaming experience can sometimes be as painful as actually experiencing it for ourselves.

Practicing compassion allows us to hear shame.

The prerequisite for empathy is compassion. We can only respond empathically if we are willing to hear someone’s pain.

Compassion is not a virtue—it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have—it’s something we choose to practice.

I believe that we are all capable of developing resilience to shame. We are all capable of turning the pain caused by shame into courage, compassion and connection.

How do we confront a feeling or experience that, by its very nature, is something we don’t want to talk about?

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

Shame is when you’re grossed out by yourself—it’s when your very own body makes you sick.

In other words, it’s never been more impossible to “fit in,” yet “fitting in” has never been more important and valued.

One reason shame is so powerful is its ability to make us feel alone.

And to alleviate those overwhelming feelings, we seek connection with others—sometimes in incredibly hurtful and destructive ways, like gossiping and excluding others.

We need to understand when and why we are the most likely to engage in shaming behaviors toward others,

Embarrassment is the least powerful of these emotions.

Embarrassment is, by definition, something that is fleeting, often eventually funny and very normal

Guilt is probably the term most often confused with shame.

Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.

Guilt is holding an action or behavior up against our ethics, values and beliefs. We evaluate that behavior (like cheating) and feel guilt when the behavior is inconsistent with who we want to be. Shame is focusing on who we are rather than what we’ve done.

shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive behaviors than it is to be the solution.

It’s when we feel shame or the fear of shame that we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others or to stay quiet when we see someone who needs our help. On the other hand, when we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends to others or change a behavior that we don’t feel good about, guilt is most often the motivator. Recognizing we’ve made a mistake is far different than believing we are a mistake.

Donald Klein captures the differences between shame and humiliation when he writes, “People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.”

the child who experiences humiliation rather than shame is much more likely to come home and tell a parent or caregiver about her experience than the child who experiences shame.

Understanding the “how and why” of shame is critically important because there is far more to shame resilience than surviving a shaming moment.

But if we understand fear, blame and disconnection as intricately woven together to create shame, it becomes very clear why shame is so powerful, complex and difficult to overcome.

Shame is all about fear.

Shame is about the fear of disconnection. When we are experiencing shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished or seen as flawed. We are afraid that we’ve exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness of acceptance.

We most fear disconnection from the people closest to us.

When we are feeling shame and fear, blame is never far behind. Sometimes, we turn inward and blame ourselves and other times we strike out and blame others. When we blame ourselves, we often find ourselves in a cycle of self-loathing and shame. Quietly, we emotionally implode. When we try to get out from underneath the pain of shame and fear by blaming others, we often explode.

We use blame to deal with our feelings of powerlessness.

Real power is basically the ability to change something if you want to change it. It’s the ability to make change happen. Real power is unlimited—we don’t need to fight over it because there is plenty to go around. And the great thing about real power is our ability to create it. Real power doesn’t force us to take it away from others—it’s something we create and build with others.

When we experience shame, it is very difficult to maintain our power.

Shame often produces overwhelming and painful feelings of confusion, fear, anger, judgment and/or the need to escape or hide from the situation.

When we are experiencing shame we are often thrown into crisis mode.

While dealing with shame and feelings of disconnection can be a normal part of developing and growing relationships, disconnection can become more serious when it turns into feelings of isolation.

It is a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection.

Over and over, the women I interviewed explained how empathy is the strongest antidote for shame. It’s not just about having our needs for empathy met; shame resilience requires us to be able to respond empathically to others.

Women with high levels of shame resilience were both givers and receivers of empathy.