I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

Compassion is not a virtue—it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have—it’s something we choose to practice.

Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.

Empathy seeking is driven by the need to know that we are not alone. We need to know that other people have experienced similar feelings and that our experiences don’t keep us from being accepted and affirmed. Empathy helps us move away from shame toward resilience. Sympathy, on the other hand, can actually exacerbate shame.

I need to be OK with being wrong. I need to be allowed to say, ‘I don’t know.’ I also need to be OK with asserting myself. Sometimes it’s as hard to be right as it is to be wrong.”