I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

We are often so influenced by what other people think and so overwhelmed with trying to be who other people need us to be, that we actually lose touch with our sense of self. We lose our grounding. We lose our authenticity. The reason this is so painful is because our auth...

Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us—it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won’t get angry and put us down?

Social work educators Dean H. Hepworth, Ronald H. Rooney and Jane Lawson define authenticity as “the sharing of self by relating in a natural, sincere, spontaneous, open and genuine manner.” We cannot share ourselves with others when we see ourselves as flawed and unworthy of connection. It’s impossible to be “real” when we are ashamed of who we are or what we believe.

Shame begets shame. When we sacrifice authenticity in an effort to manage how we are being perceived by others, we often get caught in a dangerous and debilitating cycle: Shame, or the fear of being shamed, moves us away from our authentic selves. We tell people what they want to hear, or we don’t speak out when we should. In turn, we feel...

Shame makes us feel like we are different—like we are the only ones.

When I’m so worried about what I’m supposed to be, who I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to be, I can’t figure out who I am and who I want to be. I must understand where those messages come from so I can address them and move on.

“ADDICTIONS DO TO SHAME WHAT SALT WATER DOES TO THIRST.” Terrance Real, author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

When we refer to shame-proneness and guilt-proneness, we are referring to any given individual’s tendency to experience that emotion. In any given situation, some individuals are more likely to respond with an emotional reaction of shame, whereas others are less likely to experience shame, regardless of the situational triggers. We would refer to the individual who is likely to respond with shame as a shame-prone individual.

the tendency to experience shame seems to be associated with negative life consequences, whether those consequences are difficulty managing anger, depressive symptoms, addictive problems, or anything else.

People who are guilt-prone are likely to focus on the behavior in question. For example, a guilt-prone person who misses a day of work after a night of heavy drinking is likely to think, “If I keep missing work, I could lose my job.” In contrast, a person who is shame-prone is much more likely to focus on what they view as a defective self (“I’m a complete failure because I keep missing work”). As you can imagine, it is much easier to change or fix any given behavior than it is to fix a defective self. So, as a result, the guilt-prone person in this situation will try to figure out what they can do differently.

I think that if a person has a shame-prone emotional style, he or she is at risk for developing an addiction. However, I think that once a person begins to struggle with issues related to their addiction, shame is an inevitable consequence.

We are members of a culture that fosters, then vilifies, addiction. Psychologist and activist Charlotte Sophia Kasl writes, “Patriarchy, hierarchy, and capitalism create, encourage, maintain and perpetuate addiction and dependency.” As we’ve discussed throughout this book, the shame web is baited with expectations that are based on rigid gender prescriptions. If you combine the power of these expectations with the “us and them” mentality discussed in the section on otherness and the influence of the media culture, I believe she is right. We turn to food, drugs, alcohol, sex and dependent relationships to temporarily relieve the stress. And as expressed in the opening quote in this section, addiction doesn’t relieve the stress, it only makes us more desperate for relief.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

authenticity is difficult, if not impossible, to develop without some level of shame resilience. It is much easier to be authentic when we practice courage, compassion and connection. The participants spoke about the importance of building connections with people who support our goal of authenticity. Sometimes these people are also like-minded or like-spirited, but that’s not the most important requirement—it’s more important that they share our commitment to being authentic rather than just sharing our beliefs or values.