I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

Our self-esteem is based on how we see ourselves—our strengths and limitations—over time. It is how and what we think of ourselves. Shame is an emotion. It is how we feel when we have certain experiences. When we are in shame, we don’t see the big picture; we don’t accurately think about our strengths and limitations. We just feel alone, exposed and deeply flawed.

the most effective way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy is to share our experiences. Of course, in this culture, telling our stories takes courage.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.

Shame is about the fear of disconnection. When we are experiencing shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished or seen as flawed. We are afraid that we’ve exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness of acceptance.

Real power is basically the ability to change something if you want to

change it. It’s the ability to make change happen. Real power is unlimited—we don’t need to fight over it because there is plenty to go around. And the great thing about real power is our ability to create it. Real power doesn’t force us to take it away from others—it’s something we create and build with others.

When we are experiencing shame we are often thrown into crisis mode. Most of the time we can barely handle all of the by-products of shame—the fear, blame and disconnection.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection.

Women with high levels of shame resilience were both givers and receivers of empathy.

Courage gives us a voice and compassion gives us an ear.

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.

most of our struggles stem from the same place—powerlessness and disconnection.

don’t know how exhausting it is to have to constantly shift from one culture to another in order to “fit in.” I don’t believe we can fully understand racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism or any other form of oppression, unless we’ve experienced it. However, I do believe that we are all responsible for constantly developing our understanding of oppression and recognizing our part in perpetuating it. Empathy is a powerful place to start.

“Feeling guilty for other people’s behaviors and actions is a ‘false’ guilt. Taking on guilt for things over which we had no control is false guilt. There are enough things in life for which we are responsible and therefore can experience ‘true’ guilt.”

When we experience shame we often feel confused, fearful and judged.

As these phrases indicate, shame is about perception. Shame is how we see ourselves through other people’s eyes.

It’s very important that we acknowledge that we are complex, vulnerable people with both strengths and challenges—this is what makes us human and real.

When the most effective way to change a situation is to look at the big picture and we individualize the problem, there is little chance that we’re going to change it.

know. Knowledge is power and power is never diminished by sharing it—it is only increased.

When most people are asked a question or put on the spot for information, they feel tremendous pressure to come up with an answer—preferably the right one.

We heal through our connections with others.

Just like we can’t use shame to change people, we can’t benefit from other people’s shame. We can, however, benefit from shared empathy.

“You do it because that’s the person you want to be. You do it because that could have been me and one day it could just as easily be you.”

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Honesty is the best policy, but honesty that’s motivated by shame, anger, fear or hurt is not “honesty.” It’s shame, anger, fear or hurt disguised as honesty.

we can’t control how people perceive us. Lastly, there is no way that we can do every single thing that is expected of us or that we expect of ourselves.

Understanding our fear is part of the shame resilience process. It’s also an important piece in building the kind of relationships that we need to have full and connected lives.

The essence of resilience, in a spiritual sense, is about relationship, spirit and faith. For many women, spiritual connection is essential to shame resilience.

Shame is best defined as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates fear, blame and disconnection.

The opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy.

Empathy requires that we practice ordinary courage, compassion and connection. • We cannot become resistant to shame; however, we can develop shame resilience. Shame resilience ...

anchoring one end and empathy anchoring ...

Our level of shame resilience is determined by our combined ability to recognize shame and our specific triggers, our level of critical awareness, our willingness to reac...

“What you said made me feel very ashamed and hurt. I’m telling you this because I know you love me and our relationship is important. I’m also telling you this so you know that you should not let people shame you or put you down so they look cool or popular. I won’t let you do that to me and I hope you don’t let anyone do that to you.”

The metaphor I use to explain the phenomenon for women is the shame web. For men, I see something different. As men described their shame experiences to me, I started seeing a very small box. A box that is hammered closed by expectations of always appearing tough, strong, powerful, successful, fearless, in-control and capable.