I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

we have embraced our own story—shame and all. Compassion is not a virtue—it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have—it’s something we choose to practice.

“You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.”

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.

• “I just go away. I’m never ugly to people. I just disappear. If someone thinks I’m that bad, I’ll just make myself invisible so no one has to deal with me.”

Women with high levels of shame resilience were both givers and receivers of empathy.

It is important to understand that we cannot practice empathy with others unless we can be empathic with ourselves.

It was probably because she reminded me of myself when I was in my late twenties—smart, but at times painfully insecure and trying harder than necessary.

So when we find ourselves actually caregiving, we are not at all prepared for the first time our feelings of “I love you and it’s a privilege to take care of you” turn into “I hate you and I’m ready for you to die because I need my life back.” The stress, anxiety, fear and grief are magnified as shame and self-loathing set in. Are we monsters? How can we feel like this?

We’re not monsters and we feel like this because we are human beings trying to manage a major life event with very little of the support and resources typically offered to people in crisis.

And worst of all, we feel absolutely disconnected. In order to maintain the energy we need to caregive, we unhook ourselves from our lives and plug into the person who needs our time and attention.

First, perfection is unattainable. Second, we can’t control how people perceive us. Lastly, there is no way that we can do every single thing that is expected of us or that we expect of ourselves.

When parents acknowledge the pain felt by their children—really show empathy without explaining or defending—amazing healing can happen.

Turning to rage and anger as a solution for shame only increases our sense of feeling flawed and unworthy of connection.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.