I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

Definition

One reason shame is so powerful is its ability to make us feel alone. Like we are the only one or somehow we’re different from everyone else.

Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.

Shame is about the fear of disconnection. When we are experiencing shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished or seen as flawed. We are afraid that we’ve exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness of acceptance.

Real power is basically the ability to change something if you want to change it. It’s the ability to make change happen. Real power is unlimited—we don’t need to fight over it because there is plenty to go around. And the great thing about real power is our ability to create it. Real power doesn’t force us to take it away from others—it’s something we create and build with others.

Women with high levels of shame resilience were both givers and receivers of empathy.

Reverend Jane Spahr, a Presbyterian minister and gay/lesbian rights activist, also attended the conference. Reverend Spahr told the stories of Saint George and Saint Martha to illustrate the different ways we think about courage. She explained that Saint George slew the dragon because the dragon was bad, but Saint Martha tamed and befriended the dragon. She went on to say, “This is one of our feminist myths that has been lost. Courage could mean to slay the dragon. But could it also mean to tame our fears?”

The pressure “to get it right” or to “say the perfect thing” can be the biggest barrier to empathy and compassion. We start to experience anxiety about saying the right thing and before we know it, we’ve missed the opportunity to be empathic and compassionate.

I want to be perceived as ______________, _________________, _____________________________, _______________________ and ______________________. I do NOT want to be perceived as __________________, ________________, _______________, __________________ or _______________.

The next step is to try to uncover the source of these triggers. When the research participants spoke about their shame triggers, they were able to express an understanding of how and why these triggers developed in their lives. Sylvia’s story is a good example of this. The winner/loser dynamic is a shame trigger for Sylvia. The source of this trigger goes back to the enormous pressure she was under from her father when she was a competitive athlete. If we look at our unwanted identities, three questions that can help us start to uncover the sources are: 1. What do these perceptions mean to us? 2. Why are they so unwanted? 3. Where did the messages that fuel these identities come from?

Most everyone agrees upon the importance of actually writing down these exercises. I know, for me, it is more difficult to write these words out and stare at them on a piece of paper. I also know that it is more meaningful. I can get my head around them. I can be still and reflect. Sometimes we believe that acknowledging our triggers will make them worse. We convince ourselves that if we pretend they don’t exist, it’s somehow easier. It’s not. Our feelings, beliefs and actions are motivated by these triggers regardless of whether we write them down and acknowledge them or we pretend they don’t exist. Recognizing and understanding them is the only path to change.

When we don’t understand something and “not understanding” is a shame trigger, we are often too fearful to even ask for an explanation. I’ve named this “The Edamame Threat.”

When we talk about ways to create change, I like to think of the six Ps—personal, pens, polls, participation, purchases and protests.

I watch the news and read the newspaper. I’m very interested in politics and what’s going on in the world. I try to think through my opinions and my positions before I talk about them, but invariably, I screw up. I get nervous when someone disagrees with me or challenges my facts. Sometimes I react by shutting down and sometimes, if I really feel backed into a corner, I get louder and more emotional. Either way, I look stupid. I hate it. Why do I have to practice? Why can’t I just say what’s on my mind?