I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.

Regardless of how they happened, we can all recall experiences of feeling rejected, diminished and ridiculed. Eventually, we learned to fear these feelings. We learned how to change our behaviors, thinking and feelings to avoid feeling shame. In the process, we changed who we were and, in many instances, who we are now.

When we hear others talk about their shame, we often blame them as a way to protect ourselves from feeling uncomfortable. Hearing someone talk about a shaming experience can sometimes be as painful as actually experiencing it for ourselves.

Compassion is not a virtue—it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have—it’s something we choose to practice.

When I was in my twenties, I worked in a residential treatment facility for children. One day during a staff meeting, the clinical director, who oversees the therapeutic work done with the children, spoke to us about helping the kids make better choices. He said, “I know you want to help these kids, but you must understand this: You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” He went on to explain that, regardless of our intentions, we can’t force people to make positive changes by putting them down, threatening them with rejection, humiliating them in front of others or belittling them.

Shame is hating yourself and understanding why other people hate you too.

Shame is like a prison. But a prison that you deserve to be in because something’s wrong with you.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

it’s never been more impossible to “fit in,” yet “fitting in” has never been more important and valued.

When a friend or family member shares her or his shame story, or even when we read about a stranger’s shame experience in a book, we often have one of two reactions. If we can relate to the story because it’s an issue that we face, the experience is often both painful and strangely comforting. The pain stems from being forced to think about an issue that we probably try to keep under the surface. The comfort comes from recognizing that we are not alone in our struggles; we aren’t the only one.

guilt can often be a positive motivator of change, while shame typically leads to worse behavior or paralysis. Here’s why. Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt).

“Shame is the feeling you get when you believe that you’re not worthy of anyone caring about you or loving you. That you’re such a bad person that you can’t even blame other people for not caring about you. You just want the floor to swallow you up.”

This is the vicious cycle. The judgment of others leaves us feeling hurt and ashamed so we judge others as a way to make ourselves feel better.

If, for example, we judge ourselves harshly and are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge our own emotions, we will struggle in our relationships with others. If we make a mistake and our self-talk is, “I’m so stupid. I can’t do anything right,” then we are more likely to turn to our child or partner who has made a mistake and convey the same feelings (even if we don’t say them out loud). Empathy and connection require us to know and accept ourselves before we can know and accept others.

don’t believe we can fully understand racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism or any other form of oppression, unless we’ve experienced it. However, I do believe that we are all responsible for constantly developing our understanding of oppression and recognizing our part in perpetuating it.

For people to look squarely at their harmful actions and to become genuinely accountable they must have a platform of self-worth to stand on.

How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?”

“Far from being an effective shield, the illusion of invulnerability undermines the very response that would have supplied genuine protection.”

often, there is even a disconnect between who we want to be and how we want to be perceived.

most of us judge others whom we perceive as having the traits we dislike in ourselves.

Dr. Uram explains that the brain does not differentiate between overt or big trauma and covert or small, quiet trauma—it just registers the event as “a threat that we can’t control.”

When we spend our time and energy building and protecting our image of “knowing,” it is highly unlikely that we will risk admitting we don’t understand or asking questions—both of which are essential to real knowledge building.

In their book, The Healing Connection, Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver write, “If we observe women’s lives carefully, without attempting to force our observations into preexisting patterns, we discover that an inner sense of connection to others is the central organizing feature of women’s development. By listening to the stories women tell about their lives and examining these stories seriously, we have found that, quite contrary to what one would expect based on the governing models of development emphasizing separation, women’s sense of self and of worth is most often grounded in the ability to make and maintain relationships.”

If most of us stopped to examine the expectations we set for ourselves, we would discover that, like the scene in Flashdance, our concept of perfection is so unrealistic that it can’t exist in one person. Instead, it’s a combination of pieces or snippets of what’s perceived as perfect. We don’t just want to be good at what we do, we want to be perfect—we want to edit together all the best clips of what we see to form our lives.

The research participants also spoke often about how body shame either kept them from enjoying sex or pushed them into having it when they didn’t really want to but were desperate for some type of physical validation of worthiness.

There are expectations that women can do it all—the superwoman syndrome. Despite my best efforts and the lessons I’ve learned, I sometimes still think I can do it all, and all at the same time. I think the expectation exists as a result of women striving for equality in the workforce, yet not getting the support and help that is necessary for real equality.

When we think, “I want my parents to see me as the perfect daughter,” all we can do is fail. First, perfection is unattainable. Second, we can’t control how people perceive us. Lastly, there is no way that we can do every single thing that is expected of us or that we expect of ourselves.

When we give ourselves permission to be imperfect, when we find self-worth despite our imperfections, when we build connection networks that affirm and value us as imperfect beings, we are much more capable of change.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.

If you’re single and struggling with identity issues, finding a partner will magnify your issues. Again, the magnification may not show up until the shine of “new love” is over, but it will show

We are often so influenced by what other people think and so overwhelmed with trying to be who other people need us to be, that we actually lose touch with our sense of self. We lose our grounding. We lose our authenticity. The reason this is so painful is because our authenticity is the very foundation from which all meaningful change occurs.

When I’m so worried about what I’m supposed to be, who I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to be, I can’t figure out who I am and who I want to be. I must understand where those messages come from so I can address them and move on.

In supporting these cultural stereotypes, we often fail to acknowledge that all of us are, in some way, struggling, or connected to someone who is struggling, with addiction.

What did become clear to me is this: It is the relationship that women have with God, their higher power or their spiritual world that often serves as a source of resilience. The essence of resilience, in a spiritual sense, is about relationship, spirit and faith. For many women, spiritual connection is essential to shame resilience. In fact, over half of the women who, as children, experienced deep shame around religion developed shame resilience by forging new spiritual paths.

We cannot change and grow when we are in shame and we can’t use shame to change ourselves or others.

Shame is best defined as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.