I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame

by Brené Brown

“You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” When I was in my twenties, I worked in a residential

He went on to explain that, regardless of our intentions, we can’t force people to make positive changes by putting them down, threatening them with rejection, humiliating them in front of others or belittling them. From the moment the words were spoken,

eventually left my job at the residential treatment facility to attend graduate school. Over the next seven years, I earned master’s and doctoral degrees in social work. My entire education was driven by that powerful proposition—“You CANNOT shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” I wanted to understand how and why we use shame.

also learned that most of us, if not all, have built significant parts of our lives around shame. Individuals, families and communities use shame as a tool to change others and to protect themselves. In doing this, we create a society that fails to recognize how much damage shame does to our spirit and to the soul of our families and our communities.

I think it’s important to understand that it’s not just “plain folk” who avoid the topic of shame. It’s also mental health professionals, researchers, physicians and other professionals who are often the ones we depend on to identify and spark the first discussions about social epidemics. After I completed the first component of my research, I spent seven months traveling across the nation, presenting my work to helping professionals. For many of them, even those who had been in medical or psychotherapy practices for decades, it was their first time attending a workshop on shame. On their feedback forms, many of the participants wrote that

These questions point to the absolute power of shame. Shame is an emotion that we have all felt, yet when we try describe it, when we try to make it accessible for other people to understand, we struggle to find the words. Even when we find the words, it is rare that people will want to listen. Experiencing shame is painful. Just listening to someone share a shaming experience can be almost as painful. I quickly

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.

The pain in these stories is palpable. At the exact time that our society embraces shaming, blaming, judgment and rejection, it also holds acceptance and belonging as immensely important. In other words, it’s never been more impossible to “fit in,” yet “fitting in” has never been more important and valued.

When I interviewed Allison, the young woman whose mother had committed suicide, I was appalled by the reaction of her friends, neighbors and even teachers. During the months following her mother’s death, she couldn’t go anywhere without hearing whispers, experiencing the isolation of people intentionally avoiding her or being confronted with inappropriate questions about the details

What do we need to know and understand in order to build resilience to shame? How do we connect with our authentic selves and build meaningful connections with others? Why, when it comes to the isolating emotion of shame,

might seem overly sensitive to stress the importance of using the appropriate term to describe an experience or emotion; however, it is much more than just semantics. “Speaking shame,” or being able to identify and label these emotions, is one of the four elements of shame resilience.

Embarrassment is the least powerful of these emotions. Women described “embarrassing situations” as much less serious than either guilt or shame. Embarrassment is, by definition, something that is fleeting, often eventually funny and very normal (e.g., tripping, misspeaking, etc.). Regardless of how embarrassing a situation might be, we know (or at least have heard) that it happens to other people and we know it will go away. I don’t want to walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper on my shoe, but if I do, I’ll know I’m not the first or only one to have done

Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” (shame) and “I did something bad” (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.

Along with many other shame researchers, I’ve come to the conclusion that shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive behaviors than it is to be the solution. It is human nature to want to feel affirmed and valued. When we experience shame we feel disconnected and desperate for belonging and recognition. It’s when we feel shame or the fear of shame that we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others or to stay quiet when we see someone who needs our help. On the

There have been other times in my life where I have felt very guilty about forgetting someone’s birthday, because it wasn’t simply an oversight or a slipup; it reflected a lack of priorities—priorities that I didn’t feel good about and wanted to change. However, following my return to

“People believe they

deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.”

difference between shame and humiliation from my recent research on how shame is used to parent and teach. If a teacher announces a child’s failing grade in front of the class and calls him “stupid,” the child is likely to experience shame or humiliation. If the child believes the teacher’s announcement and name-calling is unfair and undeserved, the child will most likely feel humiliated rather than ashamed. If, on the other hand, the child buys into the message that he is stupid and deserves to be called out in front of his peers, that leads to shame.

impact of using shame to parent and discipline in schools, I think shame is often more destructive than humiliation for two reasons. First, it’s bad enough to have a child labeled “stupid” at school, but it’s far more detrimental if the child actually believes she is stupid. If a child is shamed into believing that he or she is stupid, the child is potentially being set up for a lifetime of struggle. Second, I’m finding

The women who participated in the study were very diverse in terms of race, ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, religion/faith affiliations, physical and mental health characteristics and family roles. Approximately forty-one percent of the women identified themselves as Caucasian, twenty-six percent of the women as African-American, twenty-five percent as Latina and eight percent as Asian-American.

overcome. The expectations that form the web are often based on characteristics like our race, class, sexual orientation, age or religious identity. They can be specific to the different roles we play like mother, employee, partner, sister or member of a certain group. But, at their core, the expectations that fuel shame are specifically

about what is expected of us as women.

For example, there are broad social expectations for women around the issue of appearance: We are expected to be young, beautiful, sexy, etc. However, in my community there are no expectations about hair texture or skin color, whereas in some communities, this can be an issue. I recently received a letter from one woman who wrote, “As a dark-skinned African-American woman raising multiracial children, I have experienced painful encounters regarding race, skin color and beauty standards within the African-American community.

is also a deep need for spiritual connection. Shame is about the fear of disconnection. When we are experiencing shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished or seen as flawed. We are afraid that we’ve exposed or revealed a part of us that jeopardizes our connection and our worthiness

of acceptance. This fear is fueled by the sense

that we are somehow trapped i...

First, we have an unreasonable number of expectations put upon us, many of which are not even attainable or realistic. Second, we have a very limited number of options in terms of how we can meet those expectations.

As you can see on the web illustration, partners, family, friends and self are drawn closest to the center of the web. We most fear disconnection from the people closest to us.

Regardless of how hard we try to dodge the influence of the media, in our society we cannot escape it. Jean Kilbourne, one of my favorite researchers and writers, is an expert in helping us identify and deconstruct media messages—even the more subtle ones. According to her book Can’t Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel, the average American is

When we are feeling shame and fear, blame is never far behind. Sometimes, we turn inward and blame ourselves and other times we strike out and blame others. When we blame ourselves, we often find ourselves in a cycle of self-loathing and shame. Quietly, we emotionally implode. When we try to get out from underneath the pain of shame and fear by blaming others, we often explode. We lash out at our child, our employee,

best selves. One of the issues that fuels our uncertainty about power is the fact that there are at least two forms of power—I call them “power-over” and “real power.” Unfortunately, when most of us hear the word “power” we automatically jump to the concept of power-over—the idea that power is the ability to control people, take advantage of others or exert force over somebody or something.

some, I’m forced to take it away from you. Power-over is a dangerous form of power. Dr. Robin Smith, a psychologist and contributor to The Oprah Winfrey Show, described one of the most insidious forms of power-over as working like this: “I will define who you are and then I’ll make you believe that’s your own definition.”

look better or lose weight.” Basically, what I heard two years ago is what I still hear from women today: “I know it’s empowering and wonderful, but my gut reaction is . . . You’re too fat and not perfect enough—put some clothes on.” It’s important to understand that most of the women who struggle with their emotional reaction to the Dove models look like the Dove models.

Real power is basically the ability to change something if you want to change it. It’s the ability to make change happen. Real power is unlimited—we don’t need to fight over it because there is plenty to go around. And the great thing about real power is our ability to create it. Real power doesn’t force us to take it away from others—it’s something we create and build with others.

those choices. This is a great place to introduce Jillian. I interviewed Jillian in 2002 and then again in 2005. I’ll tell you about our first meeting now. Later in the book, you’ll learn how Jillian’s life changed as she started building shame resilience. This story illustrates the way shame floods us with intense feelings of fear and blame. In our first interview, Jillian told me about a recent shame experience that had her believing she was “losing

As she started reading it she was overcome with emotion—emotions that she described as a “terrible combination of fear, anger and anxiety.” She

described her reaction to the emotional flooding. “I swear. Out of nowhere I stood up and started yelling at my kids for being too loud and tearing into my husband for keeping the garage so messy. I ran into the house and slammed my bedroom door.” Scott followed

As Jillian and I continued to talk about her reaction to the birthday invitation and her fear of being in a swimsuit in front of the “perfect moms,” she explained how she’d always been uncomfortable with her body, but since she had gained weight after her pregnancies, she had become very self-conscious.

feeling connected is feeling valued, accepted, worthy and affirmed, then feeling disconnected is feeling diminished, rejected, unworthy and reduced.

While dealing with shame and feelings of disconnection can be a normal part of developing and growing relationships, disconnection can become more serious when it turns into feelings of isolation. When I talk about isolation I don’t mean feeling lonely or alone. Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver, Relational-Cultural theorists from the Stone Center at Wellesley College, have beautifully captured the overwhelming nature of isolation. They write, “We believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a

Personally, I’ve learned that when I’m experiencing shame, I often act out in ways that are inconsistent with who I want to be. Again, we see the fight, flight or freeze behaviors. Many of the participants expressed

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection.

The good news, however, is that we are all capable of developing shame resilience. Again, by resilience, I mean that ability to recognize shame when we experience it, and move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our authenticity and grow from our experiences. And in this process of consciously moving through our shame, we can build stronger and more meaningful connections with the people in our lives.

Women with high levels of shame resilience were both givers and receivers of empathy. Do you remember

When I asked women to share examples of how they recovered from shame, they described situations in which they were able to talk about their shame with someone who expressed empathy.

Real empathy takes more than words—it takes work. Empathy is not simply knowing the right thing to say to someone who is experiencing shame. Our words are only as effective as our ability to be genuinely present and engaged with someone as she tells her story.

as a skill because being empathic, or having the capacity to show empathy, is not a quality that is innate or intuitive. We might be naturally sensitive to others, but there is more to empathy than sensitivity. Here’s an example of how my friend Dawn’s empathic response helped me through a difficult, shaming moment. Every now and then,

quickly cased the joint and decided to slink in, grab Ellen and sneak out undetected. But as I was making my way down the hall, I came face to face with Ellen’s teacher. I immediately went into my nervous, high-voice mode. “Hi, how are you? How was the party?”

She looked at me kindly yet knowingly and said, “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks when the summer session starts. Have a good break.” I got Ellen, literally slithered back to the car, buckled Ellen in her car seat, sat in the front seat and tears just started pouring down my cheeks. As I sat there, clinging to the steering

confessed quietly and quickly, “I just stole cookies from some parent at Ellen’s school. Then I lied to the teacher.” Without skipping a beat she said, “What kind of cookies?” I replied, “No. Really. Listen to what I did.” She stopped joking around and listened.